Look who's back.

February.  That was my last post, huh?  So much has happened that I'm not even sure where to start.  I guess I can start by saying that I'm still sober.  So despite my absence, I was not falling off of or jumping off of the wagon.  Just hit my 10 month sober mark about a week and a half ago.  So I do that have going for me.

Unfortunately, I feel like that's about the only thing that I've got going for me right now.  Life has kind of been a disaster.  I guess The Brittney and Dylan update first...Long story made short:  Things got out of control.  We all went our separate ways and after a painful, but quick lawsuit, they now owe me a little over $2300.  So there's that.  

I moved in with my parents at the beginning of March.  It seemed to go well for a bit.  I started working really hard to get my finances in order and I seemed to be making pretty good progress.  I got hired on full time at Design Productions in April.  This job has it's ups and it's downs.  Sometimes I hate it.  Sometimes I love it.  It pays the bills and I get to work with my best friends.  So that's good.  

Now, for the depressing stuff...

My dad got sick in the beginning of May.  It was bad.  On May 13th, My mother, Stacey and I sat in the hospital room and said goodbye to my daddy...to my hero.  That moment.  That one moment...I fear that it will stay with me forever.  Don't get me wrong, I am glad that I could be there with my dad and my family during the hardest moment of our lives.  But that moment...I don't know how to explain it.  The sounds, the movements, the pain, the denial, the reality...it's all like a movie on replay.  I don't know how to pause it, or stop it or anything.  It sticks.  That's also the moment that life changed for me.  All of it.  I thought that my dad was indestructible.  Like a superhero.  And in that moment...I realized that he was human.  And that hurt.  All I wanted to do was run.  Far.  I made it out the first set of doors and halfway down the hallway before I had to stop by the bathroom.  The nurse found me and took me back to Mom and Stacey.  All I wanted to do was leave.  Sometimes, I still want to leave.  Getting by without my Daddy has been so hard.  I still live in his house.  I still see him everywhere.  I still think about him every day.  I've noticed that my dreams have changed.  About my future.  I have considered myself to not be the marrying type for a while.  Now, it's almost become official.  How could I ever get married without my dad giving me away?  How do I walk down the aisle without my dads hand in mine?  These are the things that come to mind now.  

Yet, on that note...I don't even know if I could have a relationship anytime soon, anyways.  I mean, sure...there are interests...there are even feelings...but let's be real.  I'm not good at feelings.  I'm not good at being vulnerable and unguarded.  So, I'm currently debating just saying fuck it.  I don't know. 

I guess I'm just still trying to get my life together.  I'm 32 years old and I carry more doubts and concerns that I do happiness and contentment.  Stress has become a part of my personality.  I want a drink frequently. I want a Xanax frequently.  I'm just trying to ignore the desires and create new habits.  Create new adventures.  One day at a time, right?

So for now, I'm just focusing on getting to 11 months.  And then 1 year.  I'm so close I can taste it.  

I guess that's it.  I guess that's all.  My life feels like it's falling apart.  The universe seems to be keeping me apart from the one thing that I want, and in the interim, I'm just pushing.  I'll make it...I'm sure of it.  But it is definitely a struggle.

6 Months, Ya'll!!!

It has been so long, I know.  That's because things have just been so chaotic.

I'm not even sure where to start.  These last 2 moths have brought so much stress and uncertainty. 

To begin on a positive note, my great niece was born on January 4th.  She is absolutely perfect.  I honestly do not believe that there is a more precious baby on this earth right now.  Grace Michelle.  The first few weeks were a bit of a struggle. Brittney didn't seem emotionally connected to Grace and Dylan just seemed ignorant to the ways of fatherhood, which I would imagine most new dads are.  Brittney seems to be slowly falling into the role of motherhood, but I remain concerned about Dylan.

Finances have been quite a stress.  They have been unable to keep up with their portion of the bills and so I have had to support them, with the exception of the small amount that I received from them in January.  But wow, I have become impressed with myself and my ability to maintain the finances.

It has gotten really bad in the household as of late.  I don't want to go into detail because it is quite a personal matter, but I will say that I have, unfortunately, become quite fearful for my safety in my own home.  And that is quite devastating.  Meanwhile, I have been served an eviction notice due to the drama that has recently come to be a part of my life. So I am currently getting things in place for my future.

As for the drinking...I am proud to say that I have officially made it 6 months sober.  There have been temptations, but I have overcome.  I did, however, find myself in the kitchen yesterday pouring out the alcohol in the kitchen.  I was concerned that since my stress levels have gotten so high, that I might not be able to overcome in the upcoming days.  So I nipped it before it became an issue.

So I guess that is all that I have for now. I simply ask for prayers during this time of my life.  Prayers for both my safety and for my strength.

Time for a vent session.

This fucking sucks.  I'm just gonna be super real for a second because I am sick and tired of saying that I'm fine.  I want a damn drink!

There have been some pretty rough days lately.  I don't know why it is so much more difficult recently than it has been, but damn.  I am either not getting invited to events with my friends, or I am surrounded by people getting shit-faced.  I feel like I started with this amazing support system around me and it has just all teetered off.  I don't know what happened.  Maybe it's me.  Sure, I've become a bit less social.  Mainly because I really don't want to go hang out at the bar and watch everyone get drunk.  That shit gets old, bruh.  I can't expect anyone to slow up because of me though.  I'm the one with the problem.  Not everyone else.  So I can't get mad at them for having a good time.

Then I have days like today when I go see the shrink.  They can't directly treat me the way that they want because my blood pressure is too low.  So since she can't treat me for the ptsd, then they are just gonna change my meds again.  So I'll be taking something in the morning, (I can't remember what it's called), and my anxiety meds 3 times a day and then another something at night AND my sleep medicine.  I' convinced that they are just trying to get me fucked up enough to kill the brain waves that make me think about shit.  Although she said, multiple times, that she really wants me to get into therapy.  I told her that I let things go and she said "Did you?  Did you let it go?"  No, bitch...clearly not!  Damnit.

I mean, I get it.  I drink so that I don't have to think.  I hate thinking.  I don't want to think.  So hey....since I don't want to think about it...lets go to therapy and TALK about it.  That makes perfect sense. 

Stupid doctors.

Wednesday...

To begin, Saturdays recover walk was great!

 

I was a little disappointed at first because I thought that there would be more to it.  More activities.  More something.  More anything.  I don't know.  There were just the few tables/booths with information about addiction.  There were a couple food trucks.  There was a stage with live music.  But that was kind of it.  There wasn't anything to actually DO.  Maybe my expectations were a bit high.  I just think it would have been nice to have more interactive activities. Something to bring everyone together.  It felt more like a day at the park rather than a day of "ending the stigma."  The walk itself was cool though.  Very usual: balloon arch for the starting line, light up balloons to represent those lost to addiction, glow sticks, etc.  It was all cool, and I had some amazing people there to support me.  I just thought there would be more.

I think that I've stated to get complacent.  Or maybe I'm just unmotivated.  Not sure which.  I don't really have a desire to do anything though.  I just want to watch tv and not have to put on real clothes to leave the house.  That's horrible, right?  I really need a job.  I feel like this would start getting so much easier if I just had a job.  And I'm definitely still working on that!  I have applied at almost every retail spot in the hoover area.  Trying to at least get season work to get me through this year and then I can actually start working on goals come January.  I mean, shit, I would be guaranteed to make more money doing season retail work than I was at the job I just quit as a manager.  $11/hour is pretty easy to beat.

So, we'll see.

31 days

So this weekend is turning into quite the eventful one so far. And it all started with this gem yesterday:

31 days today. It has actually been a month.  And despite the urge to lose my mind, I haven't actually harmed anyone yet.  lol.  I found a sponsor as well. So I'm really excited about that and she is super sweet.

When I left AA, I decided to celebrate a bit.  So I went to the bar to shoot some pool with a couple of friends of mine.  I had a couple of root beers and I had a blast!  I did have this odd moment when I left though.  I was on my way home and a friend of mine was riding with me.  I passed my a cop and my heart stopped for a moment.  I looked down and I was right on the speed limit.  Perfect.  I looked over at my friend and said "OMG! I'm doing the speed limit and I'm sober! Why am I so nervous?!"  He said one word.  "Habit."

It was such an enlightening moment for me.  I was scared out of habit.  For such a long time, I would be drunk and speeding on my way home.  I wasn't last night.  It was such a relief.  I look forward to more nights like that.  More nights where I get to break the habit of being nervous and scared on my way home.

Today is the annual End Addiction Birmingham Recovery Walk.  

I def plan on going to that.  I even have a couple of friends that are coming.  My sister and her babies are gonna come too!  I'm super excited!!!

I am still looking for a job.  Nothing has panned out yet, but I am hopeful.  I'm trying to avoid having to go to a restaurant or a bar for a job, but I'm not opposed if need be and I get desperate enough. 

So here's to hoping and staying positive.

What a disaster

Last night in our group therapy, we were asked to go around the room and describe how we feel.  Our counselor wrote on the board:

Emotionally

Spiritually

Physically

Mentally

Kool-Aid (What's your favorite flavor)

It was interesting to listen to the others. A lot of what they were feeling, I feel too.  It really does help to know that I am not alone in my journey or in my feelings.  Then it got to me. 

Emotionally - Annoyed

Spiritually - Disconnected

Physically - Everything Hurts

Mentally - A wreck

Kool-Aid - Black Cherry mixed with Pink Lemonade

He asked if I wanted to talk about any of it.  And I did.  I gave some brief issues.  It has just felt like everything is crashing down around me right now.  I'm holding my own, and I am somehow managing to not lose my mind.  But at the same time, I feel like I'm approaching that breaking point.

Monday, we had a manager meeting that was so bad, I don't even know where to begin.  Long story short, I lost a lot of respect for the district manager and quickly realized that the men will stick together regardless of whether or not they are correct in their actions or words.  I left that meeting very angry.  I wanted a drink.  That was the first moment that I genuinely wanted to just say "fuck it" and get shitty.  I got home and learned that the registration on my car has been suspended.  Again, all I wanted was a drink.  I got in the shower and decided that I would leave early for AA.  I got there about an hour and a half early.  I just sat in the parking lot and waited for the doors to be unlocked.  I didn't go have a drink.  I left there feeling so much better than I did.  Then my roommate called to inform me that my dog had gotten out of her crate.  She had destroyed the apartment.  Could that day get any worse?!  I had no help cleaning up the mess. Don't get me wrong, it is my dog and it is unfair for me to expect anyone else to help.  But I did think that it would be common human decency to do so.  I was a little upset that I was on my own in the cleaning while the other merely sat outside and did nothing.

Yesterday, I learned the hard way that the words of others are excusable while mine are not.  I got in trouble for making a comment.  Let's not worry about all of the comments that the other has made.  It only mattered that I had said something.  I was told by our district manager that I seem to "live in drama" and that I am "always looking to start a fight" and that my mouth is gonna get me let go.  I sat there getting more and more angry as he spoke.  I said one thing.  One sentence.  "Because we are so incompetent." Those 5 words were apparently the greatest fault on the planet.  I decided to say nothing to this man as he spoke down to me.  I simply pulled the store key out of my pocket, set it down on the table and walked away.  I quit my job yesterday.

I have probably put myself into a terrible financial situation.  I know that.  And I am doing everything in my power right now to remedy this issue.  But I could not sit there and be spoken to as though I am nothing.  I could not let this man treat me as though I am not his equal.  I could not be ok with the action of boy being excusable while mine were so detrimental.  I had to stand up for myself and walk away from a situation that I saw unfair and unequal.  

I have done all of this and I have made it through these days without a drink.  I am jobless.  I am scared.  I am tired.  I am annoyed. But most importantly, I am 28 days sober.

It all starts somewhere

I went and saw a psychiatrist this morning.  I want to do more than just "quit drinking." I want to know why I drink.  For me, it's not just about breaking a habit that is important.  I think that if I can get to the root of the problem, then I can prevent future problems.

Long story short, I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD. I already knew that the depression was there, but the ptsd was new to me.  They are sending me to a different office that deals with both mental disorders AND substance abuse.  I have an appointment with them on October 10th.  So for now, she just wrote me a prescription for my current medications so that I can refill and get through the next month.

It was a tough 3 hours with some even tougher questions, but I feel like I took a tiny step towards getting better.  So, I'm still trying to keep a positive attitude about it.

"Treatment" Begins

So tonight brought my first Intensive Outpatient Treatment. It was a unique experience.  I was the only one there by my own will.  Everyone else was court mandated.  The topic was about family.  I understand what he was trying to do.  He wants us to understand what the family members of an addict are going through.  The the guy leading the group definitely got his point across.  There were quite a few things that were enlightening to me. He talked about how they can build up resentment towards the addict.  That made sense.  It's their money that is being used to help us, as addicts, get treatment.  That is their hard-earned money that they probably had other plans for.  I can understand if resentment is built. He talked about a lack of trust.  Also, understandable.  Why should they trust us? We are the ones that let the down to begin with.  We are the ones who put ourselves into this position and then asked for their help. They talked about unrealistic expectations. Someone who isn't an addict often expects us to "just say no" or to just walk away.  It isn't that easy for us though and it is now our place to understand that they are not, or have not been in, our position.  We need to help explain to them the difficulties that we face.  There must be communication.

I think, for me, the only difficult part about the whole meeting was that the other people there didn't seem to be there for the same reasons as me.  The topic of family kept getting changed to the court system.  "This is what they did to me."  "How do they expect me to get better when they do this?" Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to seem like I am judging those that were there.  Some of them may be there for the right reasons and it was clouded by those who spoke constantly of our court system.  I am not speaking about everyone that is there. And I do not want to seem like I am making false accusations.  It's merely y observation of how it felt for me.  It was a bit overbearing at moments.

Maybe tomorrows meeting will be better.  I also have my first appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow morning.  That's at 7:45 am. I am really hoping that I can do more than just quit drinking.  I want to be able to get to the root of the problem.  Why am I an alcoholic? If I can somehow figure that out, them maybe it will help me from drinking again.

I am hopeful.

Urge destroyed!

I am straight up calling today a massive win!

I started by going and purchasing The Big Book. I haven't had a chance to open it up yet, but that reading will def start tomorrow! I went by work and dropped off some goodies for a couple fellow employees.  I went and got my bows waxed (cause they were seriously in need of some love). Then I came home and actually had some motivation for the first time in a long time.  I got some laundry done, and did a little cleaning.  Most importantly:  I took the last beer out of my mini fridge and unplugged the fridge. (Side note: did not drink the beer!) It was only used for booze and I don't need it anymore!  I'm sure that I will eventually plug it back in and use it for sodas or waters, but right now it just felt good to not need it.  Second most importantly:  I took away the things in my room from the past year that I don't want or need anymore.  I threw a lot of things away.  Not things that relate to alcohol.  But things that represented the last year of my life.  And not in a good way. Pictures and posters.  To the trash they went.  It felt like I was taking a part of my self, a negative part, and I was getting rid of it.  I don't know how to explain it.  It just feels great to let go of things.

Then I went to pool league.  I didn't win my match, but I had a blast!  I do need to get used to shooting sober.  That is still new for me. but I'll get there.  And let's face it...I was pretty decent when I was drinking like a fish...just wait until I get this sobriety thing down.  I just might turn into a force to be reckoned with. I even left the pool hall and stopped by a local bar.  I told the bartender and the server (with a little help from a friend) that I do not drink and I am not to be served alcohol under any circumstances, ever.  I shot some pool with 2 amazing people. I did, at one point, want a drink.  But instead, I had the bartender make me a juice cocktail as a shot. No alcohol included. It got me over my urge and, again, I had a blast! And it felt so good to drive home and not have to worry about getting pulled over.  I didn't have to worry about which road to take.  I actually remembered the drive. It's the little things that just feel amazing.  I'm taking a catering for work in the morning and I can lay here with a smile and know that I am not going to wake up with a hangover in the morning.

But I have to admit, I could not be succeeding the way that I am if it weren't for the amazing people that I have in my life.  And you all know who you are.  I am so grateful!

Day 13 = success.  Day 14 will be too.  I know it.

Apparently it's possible to sleep through an entire day

So I pretty much slept through Labor Day.  Literally.  I woke up around 8:30 yesterday morning, ate, and then was back asleep by 11:00.  I woke up around 6:45 last night, ordered some food, ate and then never really left the bed except for the occasional cigarette.  Then I was back asleep around midnight.  Woke up around 8:30 this morning and here we are.  I haven't done much yet, but I feel much better than I did yesterday.  I've pretty much wasted my morning on Reddit so far, but I'm hoping to get some cleaning done today.  I've decided that if I can't be self-motivated, then I will FORCE myself to do stuff.  So, I'm setting goals.  Today's goal is my bedroom and bathroom.  If I'm gonna spend all of my time in here, then I need to get it cleaned up and organized.  Don't get me wrong, it isn't that bad, right now.  But why not rearrange some things and clean some things out and maybe even get rid of some things.  If I'm going on this journey of a new me, then doesn't that include changing some of the things around me as well?  It's worth a shot.

And of course, I do have league tonight.  Last week went really well and I didn't even want a drink, despite my ex being there.  I'm hoping that tonight goes just as well.  I really like my new team and the atmosphere is not like that of a "bar".  It's pleasant and friendly and easy.  I get to play pool without the temptation of having a drink.  So let's hope that it stays this way.

The Good and The Bad

Yesterday and today have been fairly rough.  Yesterday started bad and ended well and today started good and has ended horrible.

At work yesterday morning, I began thinking that I function better as a drunk than I do sober.  I managed to successfully hurt myself multiple times.  I scratched up my ankle by running over it with the cart, I burned my arm on the bean kettle (after I almost burned the beans). And then I finally sliced my thumb open and ended up at the e.r.  It wasn't to big of a deal they just glued it back together, gave me a tetanus shot and sent me on my way.  I did, after work get to enjoy dinner and coffee with a good friend though.  That was def the perfect way to end my day.  It didn't involve a bar.  Ordinarily, after being injured that times in a day, I would have instantly gone to a bar.  I didn't. It was a really good end to the day.

Today managed to be the opposite.  I actually had a really good morning at work.  Even got everything done fairly quickly, despite my lack of motivation, and was able to leave early.  I took the long way home because I just felt like driving. I got home, and just laid down.  I was so tired, for no reason. So fell asleep for about 6 hours.  I woke up around 830 with a nice little migraine.  Took some ibuprofen and got back in bed.  After a little while, headache was much better so I decided to smoke a cigarette.  That lasted about 2.5 minutes, I had to run inside to pray to the porcelain God.  My stomach is upset, my head still hurts and my body is sore.  I feel like I got hit by a truck.  I dont know if I'm just getting sick or if my body is still trying to figure out how to function sober.

Time will tell.  1 day at a time.

A New Journey

So, I have decided to make this a more commonly used blog for myself. I have started a new journey and I think that maybe if I talk about it and write about it then maybe it will help me.  I'm also going to make it public, because I feel like it may help others as well.

On August 22, 2017, I took my last drink and entered into a detox program. I have come to understand and to admit to myself that I am an alcoholic. I have an assessment with an outpatient program on September 11th and an appointment with a psychiatrist on September 13th.

Let's start from the beginning, I guess. I decided that my drinking had begun effecting my daily life. Headaches. Lack of motivation. Short temper. Memory loss. The list goes on and on. I then decided that I needed to stop drinking. I managed to go 1 whole day without a drink. By the end of the second day I felt horrible. My head was pounding and my stomach hurt. I just didn't feel well at all. So I went to the bar. I had a few drinks and suddenly, I felt like myself again.

The next day I decided to make myself an appointment for an assessment at Bradford Health Services, which is a local rehabilitation center. By the end of my assessment (which lasted hours and included a call to have my parents come), it was decided that I was going to detox. That was on the 22nd. So I came home, stupidly drank a few shots while I packed, and then off I went. The detox itself was horrible, but luckily, detoxing at the hospital with constant monitoring made things easier. It took some time to get used to having my schedule dictated, but by the end of it, I genuinely felt better. So on the 27th, home I came.

The first night back was easy. I was so glad to be back in my bed, with my puppy, that I didn't really think about anything else. Then came the next day. Reality hit. Everything was just the way that I left it. My life was still a mess an I wanted a drink. I decided to go to an AA meeting instead. The time I was told was incorrect and so I mistakenly showed up 30 minutes late. So I wasn't in the correct group and was only able to hear some stories of those who had been sober for decades.

The next couple of days were rough as well, today included. I haven't felt well. I haven't been motivated. I haven't really left the bed much for the last few days. Between the physical, emotional and mental state that I'm in, things are just hard.

Physically, I keep getting headaches. I keep getting nauseous. I'm tired. I randomly get light-headed and/or dizzy. I don't feel like myself at all.

Mentally, I'm confused. I don't now how to handle all of my problems without drowning them in drinks. I know that sounds ridiculous, but sadly, it's true. For such a long time now, when I get overwhelmed with life, I just drink about it. It may not solve my problems, but it makes them less stressful for the time. There are so many thoughts now. It's almost as though my head has been clouded for years and now, all of a sudden, the clouds have parted and everything is flooding in at once. It's a lot to handle.

Emotionally, I'm scared. I'm nervous. I am afraid of failing and of letting everyone around me down. Most importantly, I'm afraid of not being strong enough to remain sober. After having spoken with a friend who has been sober for almost 6 years. I learned that these feelings are all normal. And that it is scary. And it's ok to be scared. Knowing that it is normal helps a little, but the fear is still there.

Tomorrow I go back to work for a few days. I'm really nervous about that. Will I be able to handle the stress? Will I physically start to feel bad? Will I make it through the shift? I was supposed to go in today, but I felt so back when I got up, and there was such a lack of motivation, that I didn't go. Can I make it through the next 3 days? I've asked my boss not to put me on the schedule next week. For one, I'm concerned about getting overwhelmed. For two, I'm still trying to get into a program sooner, rather than later. So if my many phone calls and emails pay off, then I may be able to get something done before the 11th.

To end this first sobriety post. I am 9 days sober. It's already been much of a struggle and I know that it is only going to get harder before it gets better. I'm going to try and remain as hopeful and as strong as possible.

So, here we go.