Wednesday...

To begin, Saturdays recover walk was great!

 

I was a little disappointed at first because I thought that there would be more to it.  More activities.  More something.  More anything.  I don't know.  There were just the few tables/booths with information about addiction.  There were a couple food trucks.  There was a stage with live music.  But that was kind of it.  There wasn't anything to actually DO.  Maybe my expectations were a bit high.  I just think it would have been nice to have more interactive activities. Something to bring everyone together.  It felt more like a day at the park rather than a day of "ending the stigma."  The walk itself was cool though.  Very usual: balloon arch for the starting line, light up balloons to represent those lost to addiction, glow sticks, etc.  It was all cool, and I had some amazing people there to support me.  I just thought there would be more.

I think that I've stated to get complacent.  Or maybe I'm just unmotivated.  Not sure which.  I don't really have a desire to do anything though.  I just want to watch tv and not have to put on real clothes to leave the house.  That's horrible, right?  I really need a job.  I feel like this would start getting so much easier if I just had a job.  And I'm definitely still working on that!  I have applied at almost every retail spot in the hoover area.  Trying to at least get season work to get me through this year and then I can actually start working on goals come January.  I mean, shit, I would be guaranteed to make more money doing season retail work than I was at the job I just quit as a manager.  $11/hour is pretty easy to beat.

So, we'll see.

31 days

So this weekend is turning into quite the eventful one so far. And it all started with this gem yesterday:

31 days today. It has actually been a month.  And despite the urge to lose my mind, I haven't actually harmed anyone yet.  lol.  I found a sponsor as well. So I'm really excited about that and she is super sweet.

When I left AA, I decided to celebrate a bit.  So I went to the bar to shoot some pool with a couple of friends of mine.  I had a couple of root beers and I had a blast!  I did have this odd moment when I left though.  I was on my way home and a friend of mine was riding with me.  I passed my a cop and my heart stopped for a moment.  I looked down and I was right on the speed limit.  Perfect.  I looked over at my friend and said "OMG! I'm doing the speed limit and I'm sober! Why am I so nervous?!"  He said one word.  "Habit."

It was such an enlightening moment for me.  I was scared out of habit.  For such a long time, I would be drunk and speeding on my way home.  I wasn't last night.  It was such a relief.  I look forward to more nights like that.  More nights where I get to break the habit of being nervous and scared on my way home.

Today is the annual End Addiction Birmingham Recovery Walk.  

I def plan on going to that.  I even have a couple of friends that are coming.  My sister and her babies are gonna come too!  I'm super excited!!!

I am still looking for a job.  Nothing has panned out yet, but I am hopeful.  I'm trying to avoid having to go to a restaurant or a bar for a job, but I'm not opposed if need be and I get desperate enough. 

So here's to hoping and staying positive.

What a disaster

Last night in our group therapy, we were asked to go around the room and describe how we feel.  Our counselor wrote on the board:

Emotionally

Spiritually

Physically

Mentally

Kool-Aid (What's your favorite flavor)

It was interesting to listen to the others. A lot of what they were feeling, I feel too.  It really does help to know that I am not alone in my journey or in my feelings.  Then it got to me. 

Emotionally - Annoyed

Spiritually - Disconnected

Physically - Everything Hurts

Mentally - A wreck

Kool-Aid - Black Cherry mixed with Pink Lemonade

He asked if I wanted to talk about any of it.  And I did.  I gave some brief issues.  It has just felt like everything is crashing down around me right now.  I'm holding my own, and I am somehow managing to not lose my mind.  But at the same time, I feel like I'm approaching that breaking point.

Monday, we had a manager meeting that was so bad, I don't even know where to begin.  Long story short, I lost a lot of respect for the district manager and quickly realized that the men will stick together regardless of whether or not they are correct in their actions or words.  I left that meeting very angry.  I wanted a drink.  That was the first moment that I genuinely wanted to just say "fuck it" and get shitty.  I got home and learned that the registration on my car has been suspended.  Again, all I wanted was a drink.  I got in the shower and decided that I would leave early for AA.  I got there about an hour and a half early.  I just sat in the parking lot and waited for the doors to be unlocked.  I didn't go have a drink.  I left there feeling so much better than I did.  Then my roommate called to inform me that my dog had gotten out of her crate.  She had destroyed the apartment.  Could that day get any worse?!  I had no help cleaning up the mess. Don't get me wrong, it is my dog and it is unfair for me to expect anyone else to help.  But I did think that it would be common human decency to do so.  I was a little upset that I was on my own in the cleaning while the other merely sat outside and did nothing.

Yesterday, I learned the hard way that the words of others are excusable while mine are not.  I got in trouble for making a comment.  Let's not worry about all of the comments that the other has made.  It only mattered that I had said something.  I was told by our district manager that I seem to "live in drama" and that I am "always looking to start a fight" and that my mouth is gonna get me let go.  I sat there getting more and more angry as he spoke.  I said one thing.  One sentence.  "Because we are so incompetent." Those 5 words were apparently the greatest fault on the planet.  I decided to say nothing to this man as he spoke down to me.  I simply pulled the store key out of my pocket, set it down on the table and walked away.  I quit my job yesterday.

I have probably put myself into a terrible financial situation.  I know that.  And I am doing everything in my power right now to remedy this issue.  But I could not sit there and be spoken to as though I am nothing.  I could not let this man treat me as though I am not his equal.  I could not be ok with the action of boy being excusable while mine were so detrimental.  I had to stand up for myself and walk away from a situation that I saw unfair and unequal.  

I have done all of this and I have made it through these days without a drink.  I am jobless.  I am scared.  I am tired.  I am annoyed. But most importantly, I am 28 days sober.

It all starts somewhere

I went and saw a psychiatrist this morning.  I want to do more than just "quit drinking." I want to know why I drink.  For me, it's not just about breaking a habit that is important.  I think that if I can get to the root of the problem, then I can prevent future problems.

Long story short, I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD. I already knew that the depression was there, but the ptsd was new to me.  They are sending me to a different office that deals with both mental disorders AND substance abuse.  I have an appointment with them on October 10th.  So for now, she just wrote me a prescription for my current medications so that I can refill and get through the next month.

It was a tough 3 hours with some even tougher questions, but I feel like I took a tiny step towards getting better.  So, I'm still trying to keep a positive attitude about it.

"Treatment" Begins

So tonight brought my first Intensive Outpatient Treatment. It was a unique experience.  I was the only one there by my own will.  Everyone else was court mandated.  The topic was about family.  I understand what he was trying to do.  He wants us to understand what the family members of an addict are going through.  The the guy leading the group definitely got his point across.  There were quite a few things that were enlightening to me. He talked about how they can build up resentment towards the addict.  That made sense.  It's their money that is being used to help us, as addicts, get treatment.  That is their hard-earned money that they probably had other plans for.  I can understand if resentment is built. He talked about a lack of trust.  Also, understandable.  Why should they trust us? We are the ones that let the down to begin with.  We are the ones who put ourselves into this position and then asked for their help. They talked about unrealistic expectations. Someone who isn't an addict often expects us to "just say no" or to just walk away.  It isn't that easy for us though and it is now our place to understand that they are not, or have not been in, our position.  We need to help explain to them the difficulties that we face.  There must be communication.

I think, for me, the only difficult part about the whole meeting was that the other people there didn't seem to be there for the same reasons as me.  The topic of family kept getting changed to the court system.  "This is what they did to me."  "How do they expect me to get better when they do this?" Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to seem like I am judging those that were there.  Some of them may be there for the right reasons and it was clouded by those who spoke constantly of our court system.  I am not speaking about everyone that is there. And I do not want to seem like I am making false accusations.  It's merely y observation of how it felt for me.  It was a bit overbearing at moments.

Maybe tomorrows meeting will be better.  I also have my first appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow morning.  That's at 7:45 am. I am really hoping that I can do more than just quit drinking.  I want to be able to get to the root of the problem.  Why am I an alcoholic? If I can somehow figure that out, them maybe it will help me from drinking again.

I am hopeful.

20 Days Sober

So the last week has been interesting.  In a good way. I picked up a bar shift and completed it without the urge to drink.  So that went really well.  I even went to the bar to watch the state tournament and I drank root beer, never wanted a drink, and I left as soon as the tournament was over and I knew that shots were about to fly for the winner.  This weekend was a really good weekend.

Yesterday, I had my assessment with the rehab center.  I have been placed in Intensive Outpatient Treatment.  So I will attend meetings there 3 days a week.  I've been assigned a counselor and I have been placed on color code.  My color is Gold.  I know that little bit sounds a bit overwhelming, but I actually understand it and I'm not afraid of it.  I'm feeling pretty positive about all of this, actually.

I haven't been sleeping well.  I keep having 2 or 3 nights a week where I never go to sleep at all.  I'm tired a lot.  I have almost no appetite.  But at the same time.  The constant headaches are gone.  My body, itself, feels better some how.  It's like, I'm actually surviving the physical part and I'm learning how to cope with the mental part.  The only thing that is still a struggle is the emotional part.

The emotions, however, I am hoping will start getting taken care of tomorrow.  I have an appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow morning.  I am hoping that we can start getting to the root of my problems.  Maybe then, it will all finally come together.

So for now, it's still one day at a time.  And I'm ok with that.

Urge destroyed!

I am straight up calling today a massive win!

I started by going and purchasing The Big Book. I haven't had a chance to open it up yet, but that reading will def start tomorrow! I went by work and dropped off some goodies for a couple fellow employees.  I went and got my bows waxed (cause they were seriously in need of some love). Then I came home and actually had some motivation for the first time in a long time.  I got some laundry done, and did a little cleaning.  Most importantly:  I took the last beer out of my mini fridge and unplugged the fridge. (Side note: did not drink the beer!) It was only used for booze and I don't need it anymore!  I'm sure that I will eventually plug it back in and use it for sodas or waters, but right now it just felt good to not need it.  Second most importantly:  I took away the things in my room from the past year that I don't want or need anymore.  I threw a lot of things away.  Not things that relate to alcohol.  But things that represented the last year of my life.  And not in a good way. Pictures and posters.  To the trash they went.  It felt like I was taking a part of my self, a negative part, and I was getting rid of it.  I don't know how to explain it.  It just feels great to let go of things.

Then I went to pool league.  I didn't win my match, but I had a blast!  I do need to get used to shooting sober.  That is still new for me. but I'll get there.  And let's face it...I was pretty decent when I was drinking like a fish...just wait until I get this sobriety thing down.  I just might turn into a force to be reckoned with. I even left the pool hall and stopped by a local bar.  I told the bartender and the server (with a little help from a friend) that I do not drink and I am not to be served alcohol under any circumstances, ever.  I shot some pool with 2 amazing people. I did, at one point, want a drink.  But instead, I had the bartender make me a juice cocktail as a shot. No alcohol included. It got me over my urge and, again, I had a blast! And it felt so good to drive home and not have to worry about getting pulled over.  I didn't have to worry about which road to take.  I actually remembered the drive. It's the little things that just feel amazing.  I'm taking a catering for work in the morning and I can lay here with a smile and know that I am not going to wake up with a hangover in the morning.

But I have to admit, I could not be succeeding the way that I am if it weren't for the amazing people that I have in my life.  And you all know who you are.  I am so grateful!

Day 13 = success.  Day 14 will be too.  I know it.

Apparently it's possible to sleep through an entire day

So I pretty much slept through Labor Day.  Literally.  I woke up around 8:30 yesterday morning, ate, and then was back asleep by 11:00.  I woke up around 6:45 last night, ordered some food, ate and then never really left the bed except for the occasional cigarette.  Then I was back asleep around midnight.  Woke up around 8:30 this morning and here we are.  I haven't done much yet, but I feel much better than I did yesterday.  I've pretty much wasted my morning on Reddit so far, but I'm hoping to get some cleaning done today.  I've decided that if I can't be self-motivated, then I will FORCE myself to do stuff.  So, I'm setting goals.  Today's goal is my bedroom and bathroom.  If I'm gonna spend all of my time in here, then I need to get it cleaned up and organized.  Don't get me wrong, it isn't that bad, right now.  But why not rearrange some things and clean some things out and maybe even get rid of some things.  If I'm going on this journey of a new me, then doesn't that include changing some of the things around me as well?  It's worth a shot.

And of course, I do have league tonight.  Last week went really well and I didn't even want a drink, despite my ex being there.  I'm hoping that tonight goes just as well.  I really like my new team and the atmosphere is not like that of a "bar".  It's pleasant and friendly and easy.  I get to play pool without the temptation of having a drink.  So let's hope that it stays this way.

The Good and The Bad

Yesterday and today have been fairly rough.  Yesterday started bad and ended well and today started good and has ended horrible.

At work yesterday morning, I began thinking that I function better as a drunk than I do sober.  I managed to successfully hurt myself multiple times.  I scratched up my ankle by running over it with the cart, I burned my arm on the bean kettle (after I almost burned the beans). And then I finally sliced my thumb open and ended up at the e.r.  It wasn't to big of a deal they just glued it back together, gave me a tetanus shot and sent me on my way.  I did, after work get to enjoy dinner and coffee with a good friend though.  That was def the perfect way to end my day.  It didn't involve a bar.  Ordinarily, after being injured that times in a day, I would have instantly gone to a bar.  I didn't. It was a really good end to the day.

Today managed to be the opposite.  I actually had a really good morning at work.  Even got everything done fairly quickly, despite my lack of motivation, and was able to leave early.  I took the long way home because I just felt like driving. I got home, and just laid down.  I was so tired, for no reason. So fell asleep for about 6 hours.  I woke up around 830 with a nice little migraine.  Took some ibuprofen and got back in bed.  After a little while, headache was much better so I decided to smoke a cigarette.  That lasted about 2.5 minutes, I had to run inside to pray to the porcelain God.  My stomach is upset, my head still hurts and my body is sore.  I feel like I got hit by a truck.  I dont know if I'm just getting sick or if my body is still trying to figure out how to function sober.

Time will tell.  1 day at a time.

Chip Number One

So today as of now, my last drink was 10 days and 6 hours ago.  Today brought new struggles.  I woke up with a headache, which has actually been a daily thing lately.  Then I went to work.  It was definitely a little smoother than I thought it would be.  I was so afraid that I would get stressed out or that I would have a bad day and that I would want to get off work and go drink.  Now don't get me wrong, I have had quite a few moments today where I wanted a drink, but I didn't give in.  I spent the afternoon spoiling my puppy.  I got her nails done and bought her a toothbrush and some toothpaste. I know that sounds really boring, but I kind of enjoyed the normalcy of it.

Then I went to my first, official, full AA meeting.  I got my first chip and I almost cried when I received it.  I really felt like I had accomplished something.  Sure, it's just a 24 hour chip, but it's a start.  And right now, my only goal is progress.  Our meeting split into 2 groups.  The beginners and the veterans.  I went with the beginners, obviously.  Listening to everyone share their stories and their feelings was amazing.  They are feeling the same things that I am.  Not every story was one that I could relate to, but there were so many.  I even shared my own feelings.  I was so nervous to be so honest in front of a bunch of strangers, but...for the first time in a while...I didn't feel like I was being judged.  The things that I am going through, they are going through too. I didn't feel alone. Even though I don't know these people, and I can't remember their names, I felt like I was surrounded by friends.  It was nice.

I left there and had to stop by my old bar.  Not for the reasons you are thinking!  I had to pick up something for a project that I'm working on with a friend.  I refused to step foot into the building.  I just stayed on the patio and talked to a bunch of my friends.  I told them.  I told them about what I had been going through and what I had been feeling.  They were all so proud and happy for me. Some of them have have even been sober, themselves, for years.  I didn't feel judged there either.  I showed them my chip and I talked about my plans.  It was nice.  And even though I wanted a drink while I was there, I didn't have one.  I was even offered a shot and declined it.  I felt really strong today.

Now, I know that it is a daily struggle, and while today seemed easy, tomorrow may not.  One step at a time.  One day at a time.  I am hopefully.  And that is a feeling that I haven't really experienced in a while.

I'm going to try and find another meeting to go to tomorrow night.  I'm going to try and go to as many meetings as I can until I get my outpatient program going.

So today was a win.  Tomorrow is a new day.