Wow. I don't even know where to start at this point. It has been years, huh? It is insane to think about how many things have happened since July of 2018...while also thinking about how many things haven't happened. Are blogs even still a thing? I feel like most people just vlog through youtube, twitch tiktok or some other form of social media out there. I don't feel like people sit down with a computer and just type their emotions anymore. Writing or typing my feelings always seemed to work for me. It gave me perspective. Especially when I look back and read my old posts. It is crazy for me to be able to look back and read exactly how I was feeling in that moment...and then compare it to where I am now. I feel like I could write an entire book about the things that have not been documented over the last 3 years. Then again...I've tried writing a book before and we all know how that worked out, right? It didn't. lol.
So let's see...I could go back through my last few blogs and try to update on specific things, or I can just start over and figure out where I am now. I'll take the latter.
I am now 35 years old. I have been clean and sober for over 4 years. I would be lying if I said it has been easy. It absolutely isn't easy. I struggle when I am sad. I struggle when I am stressed out. I struggle when I am angry. But mostly, I struggle when I am surrounded by others drinking. And it's weird, because that is the part that used to be the easiest. I drink non-alcoholic Heinekens and I take fake shots of cranberry juice, sprite and redbull. And these things help me feel like I am a part of any group that I am with. But really, I'm not. They drink their tequila or jager and I cheers a shot cup full of juice. Hell, I don't even cheers that all the time, because sometimes they don't include me. And most of the time, it's fine. Really. But sometimes I am just tired of being the sober one. I'm tired of going to the bar and watching everyone get drunk. I'm tired of going to the same place and watching the same shit. It is all so redundant. As an example: Today is Tuesday. Everyone will go shoot pool until around midnight and then go to the local bar. They'll either sit at the top bar and talk about their day at work...or they'll go shoot pool at the bottom bar. Tomorrow is Wednesday. Everyone will go shoot pool until around midnight and then go for karaoke at the local bar. Same bar. Same routine. Guess what everyone will do on Thursday! You got it! Same bar. Same routine. I'm bored. I don't want to go to the same bar every night and watch the same people drink the same shit and bitch about the same chick that they work with. Just typing out this paragraph makes me want a drink. See the issue? It's the complete lack of growth. I want more. I want to do more. I don't want to stay stuck in this same place, same bar, same routine. I'm sure that everything will balance out eventually, but right now, I'm just bored!
I uninstalled almost all of my social media apps yesterday. No more Facebook, Instagram or Twitter on my phone. I have come to realize that I am comparing my own happiness to that of those on the internet. Yesterday was frustrating. I logged on to my Facebook and began scrolling through my news feed. All I saw was people getting engaged, married, pregnant or having babies. I'm 35 and I have none of these. I immediately got jealous. Now don't get me wrong. I am in a relationship with a wonderful man. I would quite literally do anything for him. He is absolutely incredible. We have been together for 2 years and I wouldn't trade him for the world. But in my brain...I'm 35 and he's 41. I feel like I am just watching my chances of motherhood dissipate every month. Part of me wonders if him and I are just somehow at different points in our lives. I am on a mission to save up and get my finances in order so that I can buy a house in 2022. I don't want to continue to live in apartments. I don't want to have roommates. I want to own a house with a yard and a mortgage. But I don't really know what he wants. He says he wants kids one day. He says he wants to get married one day. But when? He plays pool 3 nights a week and shoots in as many tournaments as his schedule will allow. He goes to the bar almost every night. I can't help but wonder if he wants the same things that I want. Time will tell, I guess. That's just what is on my mind.
Well, I guess that's where I am right now. I started this blog with no plan whatsoever. And here is where I have landed. Maybe I'll try to do this more often? Or at least more frequently than 3 years apart.
Alright that's all.
Peace, Love and Coffee.
Kris
