Yea, I don't know. Here I am.

Wow.  I don't even know where to start at this point.  It has been years, huh?  It is insane to think about how many things have happened since July of 2018...while also thinking about how many things haven't happened.  Are blogs even still a thing?  I feel like most people just vlog through youtube, twitch tiktok or some other form of social media out there.  I don't feel like people sit down with a computer and just type their emotions anymore.  Writing or typing my feelings always seemed to work for me.  It gave me perspective.  Especially when I look back and read my old posts.  It is crazy for me to be able to look back and read exactly how I was feeling in that moment...and then compare it to where I am now.  I feel like I could write an entire book about the things that have not been documented over the last 3 years.  Then again...I've tried writing a book before and we all know how that worked out, right?  It didn't.  lol.

So let's see...I could go back through my last few blogs and try to update on specific things, or I can just start over and figure out where I am now.  I'll take the latter.

I am now 35 years old.  I have been clean and sober for over 4 years.  I would be lying if I said it has been easy.  It absolutely isn't easy.  I struggle when I am sad.  I struggle when I am stressed out.  I struggle when I am angry.  But mostly, I struggle when I am surrounded by others drinking.  And it's weird, because that is the part that used to be the easiest.  I drink non-alcoholic Heinekens and I take fake shots of cranberry juice, sprite and redbull.  And these things help me feel like I am a part of any group that I am with.  But really, I'm not.  They drink their tequila or jager and I cheers a shot cup full of juice.  Hell, I don't even cheers that all the time, because sometimes they don't include me.  And most of the time, it's fine.  Really.  But sometimes I am just tired of being the sober one.  I'm tired of going to the bar and watching everyone get drunk.  I'm tired of going to the same place and watching the same shit.  It is all so redundant.  As an example:  Today is Tuesday.  Everyone will go shoot pool until around midnight and then go to the local bar.  They'll either sit at the top bar and talk about their day at work...or they'll go shoot pool at the bottom bar.  Tomorrow is Wednesday.  Everyone will go shoot pool until around midnight and then go for karaoke at the local bar.  Same bar.  Same routine.  Guess what everyone will do on Thursday!  You got it!  Same bar.  Same routine.  I'm bored.  I don't want to go to the same bar every night and watch the same people drink the same shit and bitch about the same chick that they work with.  Just typing out this paragraph makes me want a drink.  See the issue?  It's the complete lack of growth.  I want more.  I want to do more.  I don't want to stay stuck in this same place, same bar, same routine.  I'm sure that everything will balance out eventually, but right now, I'm just bored!

I uninstalled almost all of my social media apps yesterday.  No more Facebook, Instagram or Twitter on my phone.  I have come to realize that I am comparing my own happiness to that of those on the internet.  Yesterday was frustrating.  I logged on to my Facebook and began scrolling through my news feed.  All I saw was people getting engaged, married, pregnant or having babies.  I'm 35 and I have none of these.  I immediately got jealous.  Now don't get me wrong.  I am in a relationship with a wonderful man.  I would quite literally do anything for him.  He is absolutely incredible.  We have been together for 2 years and I wouldn't trade him for the world.  But in my brain...I'm 35 and he's 41.  I feel like I am just watching my chances of motherhood dissipate every month.  Part of me wonders if him and I are just somehow at different points in our lives.  I am on a mission to save up and get my finances in order so that I can buy a house in 2022.  I don't want to continue to live in apartments.  I don't want to have roommates.  I want to own a house with a yard and a mortgage.  But I don't really know what he wants.  He says he wants kids one day.  He says he wants to get married one day.  But when?  He plays pool 3 nights a week and shoots in as many tournaments as his schedule will allow.  He goes to the bar almost every night.  I can't help but wonder if he wants the same things that I want.  Time will tell, I guess.  That's just what is on my mind.

Well, I guess that's where I am right now.  I started this blog with no plan whatsoever.  And here is where I have landed.  Maybe I'll try to do this more often?  Or at least more frequently than 3 years apart.

Alright that's all.

Peace, Love and Coffee.

Kris

Look who's back.

February.  That was my last post, huh?  So much has happened that I'm not even sure where to start.  I guess I can start by saying that I'm still sober.  So despite my absence, I was not falling off of or jumping off of the wagon.  Just hit my 10 month sober mark about a week and a half ago.  So I do that have going for me.

Unfortunately, I feel like that's about the only thing that I've got going for me right now.  Life has kind of been a disaster.  I guess The Brittney and Dylan update first...Long story made short:  Things got out of control.  We all went our separate ways and after a painful, but quick lawsuit, they now owe me a little over $2300.  So there's that.  

I moved in with my parents at the beginning of March.  It seemed to go well for a bit.  I started working really hard to get my finances in order and I seemed to be making pretty good progress.  I got hired on full time at Design Productions in April.  This job has it's ups and it's downs.  Sometimes I hate it.  Sometimes I love it.  It pays the bills and I get to work with my best friends.  So that's good.  

Now, for the depressing stuff...

My dad got sick in the beginning of May.  It was bad.  On May 13th, My mother, Stacey and I sat in the hospital room and said goodbye to my daddy...to my hero.  That moment.  That one moment...I fear that it will stay with me forever.  Don't get me wrong, I am glad that I could be there with my dad and my family during the hardest moment of our lives.  But that moment...I don't know how to explain it.  The sounds, the movements, the pain, the denial, the reality...it's all like a movie on replay.  I don't know how to pause it, or stop it or anything.  It sticks.  That's also the moment that life changed for me.  All of it.  I thought that my dad was indestructible.  Like a superhero.  And in that moment...I realized that he was human.  And that hurt.  All I wanted to do was run.  Far.  I made it out the first set of doors and halfway down the hallway before I had to stop by the bathroom.  The nurse found me and took me back to Mom and Stacey.  All I wanted to do was leave.  Sometimes, I still want to leave.  Getting by without my Daddy has been so hard.  I still live in his house.  I still see him everywhere.  I still think about him every day.  I've noticed that my dreams have changed.  About my future.  I have considered myself to not be the marrying type for a while.  Now, it's almost become official.  How could I ever get married without my dad giving me away?  How do I walk down the aisle without my dads hand in mine?  These are the things that come to mind now.  

Yet, on that note...I don't even know if I could have a relationship anytime soon, anyways.  I mean, sure...there are interests...there are even feelings...but let's be real.  I'm not good at feelings.  I'm not good at being vulnerable and unguarded.  So, I'm currently debating just saying fuck it.  I don't know. 

I guess I'm just still trying to get my life together.  I'm 32 years old and I carry more doubts and concerns that I do happiness and contentment.  Stress has become a part of my personality.  I want a drink frequently. I want a Xanax frequently.  I'm just trying to ignore the desires and create new habits.  Create new adventures.  One day at a time, right?

So for now, I'm just focusing on getting to 11 months.  And then 1 year.  I'm so close I can taste it.  

I guess that's it.  I guess that's all.  My life feels like it's falling apart.  The universe seems to be keeping me apart from the one thing that I want, and in the interim, I'm just pushing.  I'll make it...I'm sure of it.  But it is definitely a struggle.