So, I have decided to make this a more commonly used blog for myself. I have started a new journey and I think that maybe if I talk about it and write about it then maybe it will help me. I'm also going to make it public, because I feel like it may help others as well.
On August 22, 2017, I took my last drink and entered into a detox program. I have come to understand and to admit to myself that I am an alcoholic. I have an assessment with an outpatient program on September 11th and an appointment with a psychiatrist on September 13th.
Let's start from the beginning, I guess. I decided that my drinking had begun effecting my daily life. Headaches. Lack of motivation. Short temper. Memory loss. The list goes on and on. I then decided that I needed to stop drinking. I managed to go 1 whole day without a drink. By the end of the second day I felt horrible. My head was pounding and my stomach hurt. I just didn't feel well at all. So I went to the bar. I had a few drinks and suddenly, I felt like myself again.
The next day I decided to make myself an appointment for an assessment at Bradford Health Services, which is a local rehabilitation center. By the end of my assessment (which lasted hours and included a call to have my parents come), it was decided that I was going to detox. That was on the 22nd. So I came home, stupidly drank a few shots while I packed, and then off I went. The detox itself was horrible, but luckily, detoxing at the hospital with constant monitoring made things easier. It took some time to get used to having my schedule dictated, but by the end of it, I genuinely felt better. So on the 27th, home I came.
The first night back was easy. I was so glad to be back in my bed, with my puppy, that I didn't really think about anything else. Then came the next day. Reality hit. Everything was just the way that I left it. My life was still a mess an I wanted a drink. I decided to go to an AA meeting instead. The time I was told was incorrect and so I mistakenly showed up 30 minutes late. So I wasn't in the correct group and was only able to hear some stories of those who had been sober for decades.
The next couple of days were rough as well, today included. I haven't felt well. I haven't been motivated. I haven't really left the bed much for the last few days. Between the physical, emotional and mental state that I'm in, things are just hard.
Physically, I keep getting headaches. I keep getting nauseous. I'm tired. I randomly get light-headed and/or dizzy. I don't feel like myself at all.
Mentally, I'm confused. I don't now how to handle all of my problems without drowning them in drinks. I know that sounds ridiculous, but sadly, it's true. For such a long time now, when I get overwhelmed with life, I just drink about it. It may not solve my problems, but it makes them less stressful for the time. There are so many thoughts now. It's almost as though my head has been clouded for years and now, all of a sudden, the clouds have parted and everything is flooding in at once. It's a lot to handle.
Emotionally, I'm scared. I'm nervous. I am afraid of failing and of letting everyone around me down. Most importantly, I'm afraid of not being strong enough to remain sober. After having spoken with a friend who has been sober for almost 6 years. I learned that these feelings are all normal. And that it is scary. And it's ok to be scared. Knowing that it is normal helps a little, but the fear is still there.
Tomorrow I go back to work for a few days. I'm really nervous about that. Will I be able to handle the stress? Will I physically start to feel bad? Will I make it through the shift? I was supposed to go in today, but I felt so back when I got up, and there was such a lack of motivation, that I didn't go. Can I make it through the next 3 days? I've asked my boss not to put me on the schedule next week. For one, I'm concerned about getting overwhelmed. For two, I'm still trying to get into a program sooner, rather than later. So if my many phone calls and emails pay off, then I may be able to get something done before the 11th.
To end this first sobriety post. I am 9 days sober. It's already been much of a struggle and I know that it is only going to get harder before it gets better. I'm going to try and remain as hopeful and as strong as possible.
So, here we go.
On August 22, 2017, I took my last drink and entered into a detox program. I have come to understand and to admit to myself that I am an alcoholic. I have an assessment with an outpatient program on September 11th and an appointment with a psychiatrist on September 13th.
Let's start from the beginning, I guess. I decided that my drinking had begun effecting my daily life. Headaches. Lack of motivation. Short temper. Memory loss. The list goes on and on. I then decided that I needed to stop drinking. I managed to go 1 whole day without a drink. By the end of the second day I felt horrible. My head was pounding and my stomach hurt. I just didn't feel well at all. So I went to the bar. I had a few drinks and suddenly, I felt like myself again.
The next day I decided to make myself an appointment for an assessment at Bradford Health Services, which is a local rehabilitation center. By the end of my assessment (which lasted hours and included a call to have my parents come), it was decided that I was going to detox. That was on the 22nd. So I came home, stupidly drank a few shots while I packed, and then off I went. The detox itself was horrible, but luckily, detoxing at the hospital with constant monitoring made things easier. It took some time to get used to having my schedule dictated, but by the end of it, I genuinely felt better. So on the 27th, home I came.
The first night back was easy. I was so glad to be back in my bed, with my puppy, that I didn't really think about anything else. Then came the next day. Reality hit. Everything was just the way that I left it. My life was still a mess an I wanted a drink. I decided to go to an AA meeting instead. The time I was told was incorrect and so I mistakenly showed up 30 minutes late. So I wasn't in the correct group and was only able to hear some stories of those who had been sober for decades.
The next couple of days were rough as well, today included. I haven't felt well. I haven't been motivated. I haven't really left the bed much for the last few days. Between the physical, emotional and mental state that I'm in, things are just hard.
Physically, I keep getting headaches. I keep getting nauseous. I'm tired. I randomly get light-headed and/or dizzy. I don't feel like myself at all.
Mentally, I'm confused. I don't now how to handle all of my problems without drowning them in drinks. I know that sounds ridiculous, but sadly, it's true. For such a long time now, when I get overwhelmed with life, I just drink about it. It may not solve my problems, but it makes them less stressful for the time. There are so many thoughts now. It's almost as though my head has been clouded for years and now, all of a sudden, the clouds have parted and everything is flooding in at once. It's a lot to handle.
Emotionally, I'm scared. I'm nervous. I am afraid of failing and of letting everyone around me down. Most importantly, I'm afraid of not being strong enough to remain sober. After having spoken with a friend who has been sober for almost 6 years. I learned that these feelings are all normal. And that it is scary. And it's ok to be scared. Knowing that it is normal helps a little, but the fear is still there.
Tomorrow I go back to work for a few days. I'm really nervous about that. Will I be able to handle the stress? Will I physically start to feel bad? Will I make it through the shift? I was supposed to go in today, but I felt so back when I got up, and there was such a lack of motivation, that I didn't go. Can I make it through the next 3 days? I've asked my boss not to put me on the schedule next week. For one, I'm concerned about getting overwhelmed. For two, I'm still trying to get into a program sooner, rather than later. So if my many phone calls and emails pay off, then I may be able to get something done before the 11th.
To end this first sobriety post. I am 9 days sober. It's already been much of a struggle and I know that it is only going to get harder before it gets better. I'm going to try and remain as hopeful and as strong as possible.
So, here we go.
