Time for a vent session.

This fucking sucks.  I'm just gonna be super real for a second because I am sick and tired of saying that I'm fine.  I want a damn drink!

There have been some pretty rough days lately.  I don't know why it is so much more difficult recently than it has been, but damn.  I am either not getting invited to events with my friends, or I am surrounded by people getting shit-faced.  I feel like I started with this amazing support system around me and it has just all teetered off.  I don't know what happened.  Maybe it's me.  Sure, I've become a bit less social.  Mainly because I really don't want to go hang out at the bar and watch everyone get drunk.  That shit gets old, bruh.  I can't expect anyone to slow up because of me though.  I'm the one with the problem.  Not everyone else.  So I can't get mad at them for having a good time.

Then I have days like today when I go see the shrink.  They can't directly treat me the way that they want because my blood pressure is too low.  So since she can't treat me for the ptsd, then they are just gonna change my meds again.  So I'll be taking something in the morning, (I can't remember what it's called), and my anxiety meds 3 times a day and then another something at night AND my sleep medicine.  I' convinced that they are just trying to get me fucked up enough to kill the brain waves that make me think about shit.  Although she said, multiple times, that she really wants me to get into therapy.  I told her that I let things go and she said "Did you?  Did you let it go?"  No, bitch...clearly not!  Damnit.

I mean, I get it.  I drink so that I don't have to think.  I hate thinking.  I don't want to think.  So hey....since I don't want to think about it...lets go to therapy and TALK about it.  That makes perfect sense. 

Stupid doctors.

Sober Life Continues

Where to begin...

So I finally went back to the shrink today.  I was supposed to go on the first, but they changed it to today.  I got there at about 3:15 this afternoon and got home at about 6:30 tonight.  Long story short, they kept my anti-anxiety the same, increased my anti-anxiety medication and added some sleep medicine.  (The sleep medicine also doubles as anxiety medicine.)  I explained to them that I have had zero motivation to do anything lately...no desire to do anything, to go anywhere, or hell...just to get out of the bed.  So I am praying that all of these new medicine really work and get me back to normal.

Mentally-wise, I think I'm doing ok.  My head is so clear from the lack of alcohol, that I think a lot lately.  There has been so much thinking! It's actually a good thing because I feel like I may actually be able to work through some things that I need to work through, but at the same it's really weird to actually be thinking about all of the things that I've been trying to avoid for so long.  There are things that I have been through that I haven't ever really worked out in my head and I'm actually having to go back through those moments.  I'm almost reliving the stuff that happened.  The emotions an the memories of it all.  It's pretty intense, but I think that it will be a good thing in the long run.  Hopefully.  The shrink is going to help me get set up with some therapy.  Through that, I will really have to work through everything.  That should be interesting.  I'm actually nervous to have to really talk about some of this stuff with someone.  I don't usually talk about these things ever...with anyone.  So I don't know how this will go.  But, I'm a little excited to get through it.  Maybe get it over with for good.  We'll see.

I'm working now.  It's just part time, but it is at least an income.  So I'm also pretty excited about that.  I've only worked 2 days so far, but I really enjoyed it and the guys that I work with are pretty awesome.  They have a full-time position available and I am hoping to get that.  I would really love to get hired on full time with this company.  And it isn't a bar!  Thank God!

I am 75 days sober now.  I haven't been to AA in a while...(no motivation)...so I haven't gone and picked up my 2 month chip yet, but I'm going to hopefully go on Friday.  I'm still going to group on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights.  It's going pretty well.  Last Thursday, we watched a movie and paused to discuss parts of it.  It was 28 Days Later with Sandra Bullock.  I have seen this movie in the past, but watching it this time was different.  It definitely hit close to home this time.  There were quite a few parts that were really difficult to watch.  I really got in my feelings that night.  Other than that, we've had some pretty good discussions.  We've had some really frustrating ones as well.  That's life, though, I guess.  I've met some really cool people in group and I'm sure that I will remain in touch with some of them when it is all said and done.  Tomorrow, I will go and test.  It should be my 5th and final clean drug screen.  Then I can start working towards this thing that they call after-care.  I don't really know what all is involved with after-care, but we'll see.  I'm kind of thinking about skipping it.  I do feel like I have come a long way in 75 days, so I don't really want to continue going, but that will be up to my counselor.  He will, ultimately, be the one who decided if I need continued care or not.  

So I guess that's my update.  Crazy and intense emotions.  Medicines.  Work.  You know...all of the things in life that make a person feel crazy.

Sleeps and things

Ok.  So I took a little break for a second there.  Sorry about that.  But, for the record, things are going pretty ok.

I still have not found a job yet.  So that is weighing heavy on my mind.  I have applied at SOOOOO many places!  I don't know if people just aren't hiring or if they just aren't hiring me.  I had 2 interviews last week and I have one next week...It is stressful, though.  I really need to get some kind of income coming in.  I'm staying hopeful.  I'm trying to stay positive.  I'm just trying.

As far as not drinking, that has actually been pretty easy.  I haven't had any urges or strong desires to drink.  I think that's a good thing, but at the same time, I'm concerned that not drinking has been too easy.  So I'm kind of waiting for it to hit me.  Is this a calm before the storm type deal or is it really just this way?  I have missed a few AA meetings, but I've been doing really good with my group therapy.  I even feel like I have made a new friend through group.  He seems like a genuine person and so I'm hoping that we can carry on a friendship even after we are both done with group.  Time will tell.

My little sister and her boyfriend are moving in with me.  I'm actually kind of concerned about that.  I think that it will be good for her, but I worry about how my emotions will handle having the extra people here.  I have gotten so used to being alone.  Yet, that being said, I have kind of become a recluse.  I don't really talk to anyone anymore and I don't like leaving the house.  So maybe having them here will help me become social again. 

I have an appointment with the psychiatrist on the 1st.  I haven't been sleeping much and I lack motivation to do anything.  I am hoping that we can figure out why these 2 things are happening.  Maybe the lack of motivation is due to the lack of sleep.  But I don't know why I am so unable to sleep.  The pharmacist said that it shouldn't be because of my medicines, so I don't know what is going on.

Other than that, I think things are ok.  I mean...I fell down the stairs and hurt my ankle, but it's ok, really.  So yea.  lol.  I'll try to get back into regularly posting these blogs.  I know that for some of you, it is the only real updates that you can get since I don't really get out much anymore. 

So, happy Sunday!

Wednesday...

To begin, Saturdays recover walk was great!

 

I was a little disappointed at first because I thought that there would be more to it.  More activities.  More something.  More anything.  I don't know.  There were just the few tables/booths with information about addiction.  There were a couple food trucks.  There was a stage with live music.  But that was kind of it.  There wasn't anything to actually DO.  Maybe my expectations were a bit high.  I just think it would have been nice to have more interactive activities. Something to bring everyone together.  It felt more like a day at the park rather than a day of "ending the stigma."  The walk itself was cool though.  Very usual: balloon arch for the starting line, light up balloons to represent those lost to addiction, glow sticks, etc.  It was all cool, and I had some amazing people there to support me.  I just thought there would be more.

I think that I've stated to get complacent.  Or maybe I'm just unmotivated.  Not sure which.  I don't really have a desire to do anything though.  I just want to watch tv and not have to put on real clothes to leave the house.  That's horrible, right?  I really need a job.  I feel like this would start getting so much easier if I just had a job.  And I'm definitely still working on that!  I have applied at almost every retail spot in the hoover area.  Trying to at least get season work to get me through this year and then I can actually start working on goals come January.  I mean, shit, I would be guaranteed to make more money doing season retail work than I was at the job I just quit as a manager.  $11/hour is pretty easy to beat.

So, we'll see.

It all starts somewhere

I went and saw a psychiatrist this morning.  I want to do more than just "quit drinking." I want to know why I drink.  For me, it's not just about breaking a habit that is important.  I think that if I can get to the root of the problem, then I can prevent future problems.

Long story short, I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD. I already knew that the depression was there, but the ptsd was new to me.  They are sending me to a different office that deals with both mental disorders AND substance abuse.  I have an appointment with them on October 10th.  So for now, she just wrote me a prescription for my current medications so that I can refill and get through the next month.

It was a tough 3 hours with some even tougher questions, but I feel like I took a tiny step towards getting better.  So, I'm still trying to keep a positive attitude about it.

"Treatment" Begins

So tonight brought my first Intensive Outpatient Treatment. It was a unique experience.  I was the only one there by my own will.  Everyone else was court mandated.  The topic was about family.  I understand what he was trying to do.  He wants us to understand what the family members of an addict are going through.  The the guy leading the group definitely got his point across.  There were quite a few things that were enlightening to me. He talked about how they can build up resentment towards the addict.  That made sense.  It's their money that is being used to help us, as addicts, get treatment.  That is their hard-earned money that they probably had other plans for.  I can understand if resentment is built. He talked about a lack of trust.  Also, understandable.  Why should they trust us? We are the ones that let the down to begin with.  We are the ones who put ourselves into this position and then asked for their help. They talked about unrealistic expectations. Someone who isn't an addict often expects us to "just say no" or to just walk away.  It isn't that easy for us though and it is now our place to understand that they are not, or have not been in, our position.  We need to help explain to them the difficulties that we face.  There must be communication.

I think, for me, the only difficult part about the whole meeting was that the other people there didn't seem to be there for the same reasons as me.  The topic of family kept getting changed to the court system.  "This is what they did to me."  "How do they expect me to get better when they do this?" Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to seem like I am judging those that were there.  Some of them may be there for the right reasons and it was clouded by those who spoke constantly of our court system.  I am not speaking about everyone that is there. And I do not want to seem like I am making false accusations.  It's merely y observation of how it felt for me.  It was a bit overbearing at moments.

Maybe tomorrows meeting will be better.  I also have my first appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow morning.  That's at 7:45 am. I am really hoping that I can do more than just quit drinking.  I want to be able to get to the root of the problem.  Why am I an alcoholic? If I can somehow figure that out, them maybe it will help me from drinking again.

I am hopeful.

20 Days Sober

So the last week has been interesting.  In a good way. I picked up a bar shift and completed it without the urge to drink.  So that went really well.  I even went to the bar to watch the state tournament and I drank root beer, never wanted a drink, and I left as soon as the tournament was over and I knew that shots were about to fly for the winner.  This weekend was a really good weekend.

Yesterday, I had my assessment with the rehab center.  I have been placed in Intensive Outpatient Treatment.  So I will attend meetings there 3 days a week.  I've been assigned a counselor and I have been placed on color code.  My color is Gold.  I know that little bit sounds a bit overwhelming, but I actually understand it and I'm not afraid of it.  I'm feeling pretty positive about all of this, actually.

I haven't been sleeping well.  I keep having 2 or 3 nights a week where I never go to sleep at all.  I'm tired a lot.  I have almost no appetite.  But at the same time.  The constant headaches are gone.  My body, itself, feels better some how.  It's like, I'm actually surviving the physical part and I'm learning how to cope with the mental part.  The only thing that is still a struggle is the emotional part.

The emotions, however, I am hoping will start getting taken care of tomorrow.  I have an appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow morning.  I am hoping that we can start getting to the root of my problems.  Maybe then, it will all finally come together.

So for now, it's still one day at a time.  And I'm ok with that.

A New Journey

So, I have decided to make this a more commonly used blog for myself. I have started a new journey and I think that maybe if I talk about it and write about it then maybe it will help me.  I'm also going to make it public, because I feel like it may help others as well.

On August 22, 2017, I took my last drink and entered into a detox program. I have come to understand and to admit to myself that I am an alcoholic. I have an assessment with an outpatient program on September 11th and an appointment with a psychiatrist on September 13th.

Let's start from the beginning, I guess. I decided that my drinking had begun effecting my daily life. Headaches. Lack of motivation. Short temper. Memory loss. The list goes on and on. I then decided that I needed to stop drinking. I managed to go 1 whole day without a drink. By the end of the second day I felt horrible. My head was pounding and my stomach hurt. I just didn't feel well at all. So I went to the bar. I had a few drinks and suddenly, I felt like myself again.

The next day I decided to make myself an appointment for an assessment at Bradford Health Services, which is a local rehabilitation center. By the end of my assessment (which lasted hours and included a call to have my parents come), it was decided that I was going to detox. That was on the 22nd. So I came home, stupidly drank a few shots while I packed, and then off I went. The detox itself was horrible, but luckily, detoxing at the hospital with constant monitoring made things easier. It took some time to get used to having my schedule dictated, but by the end of it, I genuinely felt better. So on the 27th, home I came.

The first night back was easy. I was so glad to be back in my bed, with my puppy, that I didn't really think about anything else. Then came the next day. Reality hit. Everything was just the way that I left it. My life was still a mess an I wanted a drink. I decided to go to an AA meeting instead. The time I was told was incorrect and so I mistakenly showed up 30 minutes late. So I wasn't in the correct group and was only able to hear some stories of those who had been sober for decades.

The next couple of days were rough as well, today included. I haven't felt well. I haven't been motivated. I haven't really left the bed much for the last few days. Between the physical, emotional and mental state that I'm in, things are just hard.

Physically, I keep getting headaches. I keep getting nauseous. I'm tired. I randomly get light-headed and/or dizzy. I don't feel like myself at all.

Mentally, I'm confused. I don't now how to handle all of my problems without drowning them in drinks. I know that sounds ridiculous, but sadly, it's true. For such a long time now, when I get overwhelmed with life, I just drink about it. It may not solve my problems, but it makes them less stressful for the time. There are so many thoughts now. It's almost as though my head has been clouded for years and now, all of a sudden, the clouds have parted and everything is flooding in at once. It's a lot to handle.

Emotionally, I'm scared. I'm nervous. I am afraid of failing and of letting everyone around me down. Most importantly, I'm afraid of not being strong enough to remain sober. After having spoken with a friend who has been sober for almost 6 years. I learned that these feelings are all normal. And that it is scary. And it's ok to be scared. Knowing that it is normal helps a little, but the fear is still there.

Tomorrow I go back to work for a few days. I'm really nervous about that. Will I be able to handle the stress? Will I physically start to feel bad? Will I make it through the shift? I was supposed to go in today, but I felt so back when I got up, and there was such a lack of motivation, that I didn't go. Can I make it through the next 3 days? I've asked my boss not to put me on the schedule next week. For one, I'm concerned about getting overwhelmed. For two, I'm still trying to get into a program sooner, rather than later. So if my many phone calls and emails pay off, then I may be able to get something done before the 11th.

To end this first sobriety post. I am 9 days sober. It's already been much of a struggle and I know that it is only going to get harder before it gets better. I'm going to try and remain as hopeful and as strong as possible.

So, here we go.