Sleeps and things

Ok.  So I took a little break for a second there.  Sorry about that.  But, for the record, things are going pretty ok.

I still have not found a job yet.  So that is weighing heavy on my mind.  I have applied at SOOOOO many places!  I don't know if people just aren't hiring or if they just aren't hiring me.  I had 2 interviews last week and I have one next week...It is stressful, though.  I really need to get some kind of income coming in.  I'm staying hopeful.  I'm trying to stay positive.  I'm just trying.

As far as not drinking, that has actually been pretty easy.  I haven't had any urges or strong desires to drink.  I think that's a good thing, but at the same time, I'm concerned that not drinking has been too easy.  So I'm kind of waiting for it to hit me.  Is this a calm before the storm type deal or is it really just this way?  I have missed a few AA meetings, but I've been doing really good with my group therapy.  I even feel like I have made a new friend through group.  He seems like a genuine person and so I'm hoping that we can carry on a friendship even after we are both done with group.  Time will tell.

My little sister and her boyfriend are moving in with me.  I'm actually kind of concerned about that.  I think that it will be good for her, but I worry about how my emotions will handle having the extra people here.  I have gotten so used to being alone.  Yet, that being said, I have kind of become a recluse.  I don't really talk to anyone anymore and I don't like leaving the house.  So maybe having them here will help me become social again. 

I have an appointment with the psychiatrist on the 1st.  I haven't been sleeping much and I lack motivation to do anything.  I am hoping that we can figure out why these 2 things are happening.  Maybe the lack of motivation is due to the lack of sleep.  But I don't know why I am so unable to sleep.  The pharmacist said that it shouldn't be because of my medicines, so I don't know what is going on.

Other than that, I think things are ok.  I mean...I fell down the stairs and hurt my ankle, but it's ok, really.  So yea.  lol.  I'll try to get back into regularly posting these blogs.  I know that for some of you, it is the only real updates that you can get since I don't really get out much anymore. 

So, happy Sunday!

31 days

So this weekend is turning into quite the eventful one so far. And it all started with this gem yesterday:

31 days today. It has actually been a month.  And despite the urge to lose my mind, I haven't actually harmed anyone yet.  lol.  I found a sponsor as well. So I'm really excited about that and she is super sweet.

When I left AA, I decided to celebrate a bit.  So I went to the bar to shoot some pool with a couple of friends of mine.  I had a couple of root beers and I had a blast!  I did have this odd moment when I left though.  I was on my way home and a friend of mine was riding with me.  I passed my a cop and my heart stopped for a moment.  I looked down and I was right on the speed limit.  Perfect.  I looked over at my friend and said "OMG! I'm doing the speed limit and I'm sober! Why am I so nervous?!"  He said one word.  "Habit."

It was such an enlightening moment for me.  I was scared out of habit.  For such a long time, I would be drunk and speeding on my way home.  I wasn't last night.  It was such a relief.  I look forward to more nights like that.  More nights where I get to break the habit of being nervous and scared on my way home.

Today is the annual End Addiction Birmingham Recovery Walk.  

I def plan on going to that.  I even have a couple of friends that are coming.  My sister and her babies are gonna come too!  I'm super excited!!!

I am still looking for a job.  Nothing has panned out yet, but I am hopeful.  I'm trying to avoid having to go to a restaurant or a bar for a job, but I'm not opposed if need be and I get desperate enough. 

So here's to hoping and staying positive.

What a disaster

Last night in our group therapy, we were asked to go around the room and describe how we feel.  Our counselor wrote on the board:

Emotionally

Spiritually

Physically

Mentally

Kool-Aid (What's your favorite flavor)

It was interesting to listen to the others. A lot of what they were feeling, I feel too.  It really does help to know that I am not alone in my journey or in my feelings.  Then it got to me. 

Emotionally - Annoyed

Spiritually - Disconnected

Physically - Everything Hurts

Mentally - A wreck

Kool-Aid - Black Cherry mixed with Pink Lemonade

He asked if I wanted to talk about any of it.  And I did.  I gave some brief issues.  It has just felt like everything is crashing down around me right now.  I'm holding my own, and I am somehow managing to not lose my mind.  But at the same time, I feel like I'm approaching that breaking point.

Monday, we had a manager meeting that was so bad, I don't even know where to begin.  Long story short, I lost a lot of respect for the district manager and quickly realized that the men will stick together regardless of whether or not they are correct in their actions or words.  I left that meeting very angry.  I wanted a drink.  That was the first moment that I genuinely wanted to just say "fuck it" and get shitty.  I got home and learned that the registration on my car has been suspended.  Again, all I wanted was a drink.  I got in the shower and decided that I would leave early for AA.  I got there about an hour and a half early.  I just sat in the parking lot and waited for the doors to be unlocked.  I didn't go have a drink.  I left there feeling so much better than I did.  Then my roommate called to inform me that my dog had gotten out of her crate.  She had destroyed the apartment.  Could that day get any worse?!  I had no help cleaning up the mess. Don't get me wrong, it is my dog and it is unfair for me to expect anyone else to help.  But I did think that it would be common human decency to do so.  I was a little upset that I was on my own in the cleaning while the other merely sat outside and did nothing.

Yesterday, I learned the hard way that the words of others are excusable while mine are not.  I got in trouble for making a comment.  Let's not worry about all of the comments that the other has made.  It only mattered that I had said something.  I was told by our district manager that I seem to "live in drama" and that I am "always looking to start a fight" and that my mouth is gonna get me let go.  I sat there getting more and more angry as he spoke.  I said one thing.  One sentence.  "Because we are so incompetent." Those 5 words were apparently the greatest fault on the planet.  I decided to say nothing to this man as he spoke down to me.  I simply pulled the store key out of my pocket, set it down on the table and walked away.  I quit my job yesterday.

I have probably put myself into a terrible financial situation.  I know that.  And I am doing everything in my power right now to remedy this issue.  But I could not sit there and be spoken to as though I am nothing.  I could not let this man treat me as though I am not his equal.  I could not be ok with the action of boy being excusable while mine were so detrimental.  I had to stand up for myself and walk away from a situation that I saw unfair and unequal.  

I have done all of this and I have made it through these days without a drink.  I am jobless.  I am scared.  I am tired.  I am annoyed. But most importantly, I am 28 days sober.