What a disaster

Last night in our group therapy, we were asked to go around the room and describe how we feel.  Our counselor wrote on the board:

Emotionally

Spiritually

Physically

Mentally

Kool-Aid (What's your favorite flavor)

It was interesting to listen to the others. A lot of what they were feeling, I feel too.  It really does help to know that I am not alone in my journey or in my feelings.  Then it got to me. 

Emotionally - Annoyed

Spiritually - Disconnected

Physically - Everything Hurts

Mentally - A wreck

Kool-Aid - Black Cherry mixed with Pink Lemonade

He asked if I wanted to talk about any of it.  And I did.  I gave some brief issues.  It has just felt like everything is crashing down around me right now.  I'm holding my own, and I am somehow managing to not lose my mind.  But at the same time, I feel like I'm approaching that breaking point.

Monday, we had a manager meeting that was so bad, I don't even know where to begin.  Long story short, I lost a lot of respect for the district manager and quickly realized that the men will stick together regardless of whether or not they are correct in their actions or words.  I left that meeting very angry.  I wanted a drink.  That was the first moment that I genuinely wanted to just say "fuck it" and get shitty.  I got home and learned that the registration on my car has been suspended.  Again, all I wanted was a drink.  I got in the shower and decided that I would leave early for AA.  I got there about an hour and a half early.  I just sat in the parking lot and waited for the doors to be unlocked.  I didn't go have a drink.  I left there feeling so much better than I did.  Then my roommate called to inform me that my dog had gotten out of her crate.  She had destroyed the apartment.  Could that day get any worse?!  I had no help cleaning up the mess. Don't get me wrong, it is my dog and it is unfair for me to expect anyone else to help.  But I did think that it would be common human decency to do so.  I was a little upset that I was on my own in the cleaning while the other merely sat outside and did nothing.

Yesterday, I learned the hard way that the words of others are excusable while mine are not.  I got in trouble for making a comment.  Let's not worry about all of the comments that the other has made.  It only mattered that I had said something.  I was told by our district manager that I seem to "live in drama" and that I am "always looking to start a fight" and that my mouth is gonna get me let go.  I sat there getting more and more angry as he spoke.  I said one thing.  One sentence.  "Because we are so incompetent." Those 5 words were apparently the greatest fault on the planet.  I decided to say nothing to this man as he spoke down to me.  I simply pulled the store key out of my pocket, set it down on the table and walked away.  I quit my job yesterday.

I have probably put myself into a terrible financial situation.  I know that.  And I am doing everything in my power right now to remedy this issue.  But I could not sit there and be spoken to as though I am nothing.  I could not let this man treat me as though I am not his equal.  I could not be ok with the action of boy being excusable while mine were so detrimental.  I had to stand up for myself and walk away from a situation that I saw unfair and unequal.  

I have done all of this and I have made it through these days without a drink.  I am jobless.  I am scared.  I am tired.  I am annoyed. But most importantly, I am 28 days sober.