February. That was my last post, huh? So much has happened that I'm not even sure where to start. I guess I can start by saying that I'm still sober. So despite my absence, I was not falling off of or jumping off of the wagon. Just hit my 10 month sober mark about a week and a half ago. So I do that have going for me.
Unfortunately, I feel like that's about the only thing that I've got going for me right now. Life has kind of been a disaster. I guess The Brittney and Dylan update first...Long story made short: Things got out of control. We all went our separate ways and after a painful, but quick lawsuit, they now owe me a little over $2300. So there's that.
I moved in with my parents at the beginning of March. It seemed to go well for a bit. I started working really hard to get my finances in order and I seemed to be making pretty good progress. I got hired on full time at Design Productions in April. This job has it's ups and it's downs. Sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I love it. It pays the bills and I get to work with my best friends. So that's good.
Now, for the depressing stuff...
My dad got sick in the beginning of May. It was bad. On May 13th, My mother, Stacey and I sat in the hospital room and said goodbye to my daddy...to my hero. That moment. That one moment...I fear that it will stay with me forever. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that I could be there with my dad and my family during the hardest moment of our lives. But that moment...I don't know how to explain it. The sounds, the movements, the pain, the denial, the reality...it's all like a movie on replay. I don't know how to pause it, or stop it or anything. It sticks. That's also the moment that life changed for me. All of it. I thought that my dad was indestructible. Like a superhero. And in that moment...I realized that he was human. And that hurt. All I wanted to do was run. Far. I made it out the first set of doors and halfway down the hallway before I had to stop by the bathroom. The nurse found me and took me back to Mom and Stacey. All I wanted to do was leave. Sometimes, I still want to leave. Getting by without my Daddy has been so hard. I still live in his house. I still see him everywhere. I still think about him every day. I've noticed that my dreams have changed. About my future. I have considered myself to not be the marrying type for a while. Now, it's almost become official. How could I ever get married without my dad giving me away? How do I walk down the aisle without my dads hand in mine? These are the things that come to mind now.
Yet, on that note...I don't even know if I could have a relationship anytime soon, anyways. I mean, sure...there are interests...there are even feelings...but let's be real. I'm not good at feelings. I'm not good at being vulnerable and unguarded. So, I'm currently debating just saying fuck it. I don't know.
I guess I'm just still trying to get my life together. I'm 32 years old and I carry more doubts and concerns that I do happiness and contentment. Stress has become a part of my personality. I want a drink frequently. I want a Xanax frequently. I'm just trying to ignore the desires and create new habits. Create new adventures. One day at a time, right?
So for now, I'm just focusing on getting to 11 months. And then 1 year. I'm so close I can taste it.
I guess that's it. I guess that's all. My life feels like it's falling apart. The universe seems to be keeping me apart from the one thing that I want, and in the interim, I'm just pushing. I'll make it...I'm sure of it. But it is definitely a struggle.
