Time for a vent session.

This fucking sucks.  I'm just gonna be super real for a second because I am sick and tired of saying that I'm fine.  I want a damn drink!

There have been some pretty rough days lately.  I don't know why it is so much more difficult recently than it has been, but damn.  I am either not getting invited to events with my friends, or I am surrounded by people getting shit-faced.  I feel like I started with this amazing support system around me and it has just all teetered off.  I don't know what happened.  Maybe it's me.  Sure, I've become a bit less social.  Mainly because I really don't want to go hang out at the bar and watch everyone get drunk.  That shit gets old, bruh.  I can't expect anyone to slow up because of me though.  I'm the one with the problem.  Not everyone else.  So I can't get mad at them for having a good time.

Then I have days like today when I go see the shrink.  They can't directly treat me the way that they want because my blood pressure is too low.  So since she can't treat me for the ptsd, then they are just gonna change my meds again.  So I'll be taking something in the morning, (I can't remember what it's called), and my anxiety meds 3 times a day and then another something at night AND my sleep medicine.  I' convinced that they are just trying to get me fucked up enough to kill the brain waves that make me think about shit.  Although she said, multiple times, that she really wants me to get into therapy.  I told her that I let things go and she said "Did you?  Did you let it go?"  No, bitch...clearly not!  Damnit.

I mean, I get it.  I drink so that I don't have to think.  I hate thinking.  I don't want to think.  So hey....since I don't want to think about it...lets go to therapy and TALK about it.  That makes perfect sense. 

Stupid doctors.

Sober Life Continues

Where to begin...

So I finally went back to the shrink today.  I was supposed to go on the first, but they changed it to today.  I got there at about 3:15 this afternoon and got home at about 6:30 tonight.  Long story short, they kept my anti-anxiety the same, increased my anti-anxiety medication and added some sleep medicine.  (The sleep medicine also doubles as anxiety medicine.)  I explained to them that I have had zero motivation to do anything lately...no desire to do anything, to go anywhere, or hell...just to get out of the bed.  So I am praying that all of these new medicine really work and get me back to normal.

Mentally-wise, I think I'm doing ok.  My head is so clear from the lack of alcohol, that I think a lot lately.  There has been so much thinking! It's actually a good thing because I feel like I may actually be able to work through some things that I need to work through, but at the same it's really weird to actually be thinking about all of the things that I've been trying to avoid for so long.  There are things that I have been through that I haven't ever really worked out in my head and I'm actually having to go back through those moments.  I'm almost reliving the stuff that happened.  The emotions an the memories of it all.  It's pretty intense, but I think that it will be a good thing in the long run.  Hopefully.  The shrink is going to help me get set up with some therapy.  Through that, I will really have to work through everything.  That should be interesting.  I'm actually nervous to have to really talk about some of this stuff with someone.  I don't usually talk about these things ever...with anyone.  So I don't know how this will go.  But, I'm a little excited to get through it.  Maybe get it over with for good.  We'll see.

I'm working now.  It's just part time, but it is at least an income.  So I'm also pretty excited about that.  I've only worked 2 days so far, but I really enjoyed it and the guys that I work with are pretty awesome.  They have a full-time position available and I am hoping to get that.  I would really love to get hired on full time with this company.  And it isn't a bar!  Thank God!

I am 75 days sober now.  I haven't been to AA in a while...(no motivation)...so I haven't gone and picked up my 2 month chip yet, but I'm going to hopefully go on Friday.  I'm still going to group on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights.  It's going pretty well.  Last Thursday, we watched a movie and paused to discuss parts of it.  It was 28 Days Later with Sandra Bullock.  I have seen this movie in the past, but watching it this time was different.  It definitely hit close to home this time.  There were quite a few parts that were really difficult to watch.  I really got in my feelings that night.  Other than that, we've had some pretty good discussions.  We've had some really frustrating ones as well.  That's life, though, I guess.  I've met some really cool people in group and I'm sure that I will remain in touch with some of them when it is all said and done.  Tomorrow, I will go and test.  It should be my 5th and final clean drug screen.  Then I can start working towards this thing that they call after-care.  I don't really know what all is involved with after-care, but we'll see.  I'm kind of thinking about skipping it.  I do feel like I have come a long way in 75 days, so I don't really want to continue going, but that will be up to my counselor.  He will, ultimately, be the one who decided if I need continued care or not.  

So I guess that's my update.  Crazy and intense emotions.  Medicines.  Work.  You know...all of the things in life that make a person feel crazy.