Sober-versary

So today marks 4 months sober for me.  And I've got to admit that I didn't think I'd make it this far.  I am proud of myself, but still fearful of failure.

I have been under a lot of stress lately.  Between work and home, I feel like I can't seem to just get a break.  I do, however, feel like I have been handling it very well.  I haven't turned to alcohol and I feel like I've maintained control over my emotions fairly well.  I've opted to stay to myself as much as possible.  There are a couple of people that I have kept close, but for the most part, I feel like I have become quite distant from everyone.  And yet, I still feel like I can't seem to catch a few minutes alone.  I know that it's all because of the stress, so I'm just trying to deal with it.

I feel like I have taken a few steps backwards, honestly.  For a little bit there, I was motivated and positive and even happy.  Now, I don't know what has happened.  I have lost my motivation and I am not really thinking very positively.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm happy...I am...I just don't feel like myself.  I don't know what's going on. I just kind of feel blah.  Not sad, not happy, not mad...just kind of blank.  It's weird.

So yea...there is is...Merry Christmas?

Time for a vent session.

This fucking sucks.  I'm just gonna be super real for a second because I am sick and tired of saying that I'm fine.  I want a damn drink!

There have been some pretty rough days lately.  I don't know why it is so much more difficult recently than it has been, but damn.  I am either not getting invited to events with my friends, or I am surrounded by people getting shit-faced.  I feel like I started with this amazing support system around me and it has just all teetered off.  I don't know what happened.  Maybe it's me.  Sure, I've become a bit less social.  Mainly because I really don't want to go hang out at the bar and watch everyone get drunk.  That shit gets old, bruh.  I can't expect anyone to slow up because of me though.  I'm the one with the problem.  Not everyone else.  So I can't get mad at them for having a good time.

Then I have days like today when I go see the shrink.  They can't directly treat me the way that they want because my blood pressure is too low.  So since she can't treat me for the ptsd, then they are just gonna change my meds again.  So I'll be taking something in the morning, (I can't remember what it's called), and my anxiety meds 3 times a day and then another something at night AND my sleep medicine.  I' convinced that they are just trying to get me fucked up enough to kill the brain waves that make me think about shit.  Although she said, multiple times, that she really wants me to get into therapy.  I told her that I let things go and she said "Did you?  Did you let it go?"  No, bitch...clearly not!  Damnit.

I mean, I get it.  I drink so that I don't have to think.  I hate thinking.  I don't want to think.  So hey....since I don't want to think about it...lets go to therapy and TALK about it.  That makes perfect sense. 

Stupid doctors.

Sober Life Continues

Where to begin...

So I finally went back to the shrink today.  I was supposed to go on the first, but they changed it to today.  I got there at about 3:15 this afternoon and got home at about 6:30 tonight.  Long story short, they kept my anti-anxiety the same, increased my anti-anxiety medication and added some sleep medicine.  (The sleep medicine also doubles as anxiety medicine.)  I explained to them that I have had zero motivation to do anything lately...no desire to do anything, to go anywhere, or hell...just to get out of the bed.  So I am praying that all of these new medicine really work and get me back to normal.

Mentally-wise, I think I'm doing ok.  My head is so clear from the lack of alcohol, that I think a lot lately.  There has been so much thinking! It's actually a good thing because I feel like I may actually be able to work through some things that I need to work through, but at the same it's really weird to actually be thinking about all of the things that I've been trying to avoid for so long.  There are things that I have been through that I haven't ever really worked out in my head and I'm actually having to go back through those moments.  I'm almost reliving the stuff that happened.  The emotions an the memories of it all.  It's pretty intense, but I think that it will be a good thing in the long run.  Hopefully.  The shrink is going to help me get set up with some therapy.  Through that, I will really have to work through everything.  That should be interesting.  I'm actually nervous to have to really talk about some of this stuff with someone.  I don't usually talk about these things ever...with anyone.  So I don't know how this will go.  But, I'm a little excited to get through it.  Maybe get it over with for good.  We'll see.

I'm working now.  It's just part time, but it is at least an income.  So I'm also pretty excited about that.  I've only worked 2 days so far, but I really enjoyed it and the guys that I work with are pretty awesome.  They have a full-time position available and I am hoping to get that.  I would really love to get hired on full time with this company.  And it isn't a bar!  Thank God!

I am 75 days sober now.  I haven't been to AA in a while...(no motivation)...so I haven't gone and picked up my 2 month chip yet, but I'm going to hopefully go on Friday.  I'm still going to group on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights.  It's going pretty well.  Last Thursday, we watched a movie and paused to discuss parts of it.  It was 28 Days Later with Sandra Bullock.  I have seen this movie in the past, but watching it this time was different.  It definitely hit close to home this time.  There were quite a few parts that were really difficult to watch.  I really got in my feelings that night.  Other than that, we've had some pretty good discussions.  We've had some really frustrating ones as well.  That's life, though, I guess.  I've met some really cool people in group and I'm sure that I will remain in touch with some of them when it is all said and done.  Tomorrow, I will go and test.  It should be my 5th and final clean drug screen.  Then I can start working towards this thing that they call after-care.  I don't really know what all is involved with after-care, but we'll see.  I'm kind of thinking about skipping it.  I do feel like I have come a long way in 75 days, so I don't really want to continue going, but that will be up to my counselor.  He will, ultimately, be the one who decided if I need continued care or not.  

So I guess that's my update.  Crazy and intense emotions.  Medicines.  Work.  You know...all of the things in life that make a person feel crazy.

Sleeps and things

Ok.  So I took a little break for a second there.  Sorry about that.  But, for the record, things are going pretty ok.

I still have not found a job yet.  So that is weighing heavy on my mind.  I have applied at SOOOOO many places!  I don't know if people just aren't hiring or if they just aren't hiring me.  I had 2 interviews last week and I have one next week...It is stressful, though.  I really need to get some kind of income coming in.  I'm staying hopeful.  I'm trying to stay positive.  I'm just trying.

As far as not drinking, that has actually been pretty easy.  I haven't had any urges or strong desires to drink.  I think that's a good thing, but at the same time, I'm concerned that not drinking has been too easy.  So I'm kind of waiting for it to hit me.  Is this a calm before the storm type deal or is it really just this way?  I have missed a few AA meetings, but I've been doing really good with my group therapy.  I even feel like I have made a new friend through group.  He seems like a genuine person and so I'm hoping that we can carry on a friendship even after we are both done with group.  Time will tell.

My little sister and her boyfriend are moving in with me.  I'm actually kind of concerned about that.  I think that it will be good for her, but I worry about how my emotions will handle having the extra people here.  I have gotten so used to being alone.  Yet, that being said, I have kind of become a recluse.  I don't really talk to anyone anymore and I don't like leaving the house.  So maybe having them here will help me become social again. 

I have an appointment with the psychiatrist on the 1st.  I haven't been sleeping much and I lack motivation to do anything.  I am hoping that we can figure out why these 2 things are happening.  Maybe the lack of motivation is due to the lack of sleep.  But I don't know why I am so unable to sleep.  The pharmacist said that it shouldn't be because of my medicines, so I don't know what is going on.

Other than that, I think things are ok.  I mean...I fell down the stairs and hurt my ankle, but it's ok, really.  So yea.  lol.  I'll try to get back into regularly posting these blogs.  I know that for some of you, it is the only real updates that you can get since I don't really get out much anymore. 

So, happy Sunday!

Wednesday...

To begin, Saturdays recover walk was great!

 

I was a little disappointed at first because I thought that there would be more to it.  More activities.  More something.  More anything.  I don't know.  There were just the few tables/booths with information about addiction.  There were a couple food trucks.  There was a stage with live music.  But that was kind of it.  There wasn't anything to actually DO.  Maybe my expectations were a bit high.  I just think it would have been nice to have more interactive activities. Something to bring everyone together.  It felt more like a day at the park rather than a day of "ending the stigma."  The walk itself was cool though.  Very usual: balloon arch for the starting line, light up balloons to represent those lost to addiction, glow sticks, etc.  It was all cool, and I had some amazing people there to support me.  I just thought there would be more.

I think that I've stated to get complacent.  Or maybe I'm just unmotivated.  Not sure which.  I don't really have a desire to do anything though.  I just want to watch tv and not have to put on real clothes to leave the house.  That's horrible, right?  I really need a job.  I feel like this would start getting so much easier if I just had a job.  And I'm definitely still working on that!  I have applied at almost every retail spot in the hoover area.  Trying to at least get season work to get me through this year and then I can actually start working on goals come January.  I mean, shit, I would be guaranteed to make more money doing season retail work than I was at the job I just quit as a manager.  $11/hour is pretty easy to beat.

So, we'll see.

What a disaster

Last night in our group therapy, we were asked to go around the room and describe how we feel.  Our counselor wrote on the board:

Emotionally

Spiritually

Physically

Mentally

Kool-Aid (What's your favorite flavor)

It was interesting to listen to the others. A lot of what they were feeling, I feel too.  It really does help to know that I am not alone in my journey or in my feelings.  Then it got to me. 

Emotionally - Annoyed

Spiritually - Disconnected

Physically - Everything Hurts

Mentally - A wreck

Kool-Aid - Black Cherry mixed with Pink Lemonade

He asked if I wanted to talk about any of it.  And I did.  I gave some brief issues.  It has just felt like everything is crashing down around me right now.  I'm holding my own, and I am somehow managing to not lose my mind.  But at the same time, I feel like I'm approaching that breaking point.

Monday, we had a manager meeting that was so bad, I don't even know where to begin.  Long story short, I lost a lot of respect for the district manager and quickly realized that the men will stick together regardless of whether or not they are correct in their actions or words.  I left that meeting very angry.  I wanted a drink.  That was the first moment that I genuinely wanted to just say "fuck it" and get shitty.  I got home and learned that the registration on my car has been suspended.  Again, all I wanted was a drink.  I got in the shower and decided that I would leave early for AA.  I got there about an hour and a half early.  I just sat in the parking lot and waited for the doors to be unlocked.  I didn't go have a drink.  I left there feeling so much better than I did.  Then my roommate called to inform me that my dog had gotten out of her crate.  She had destroyed the apartment.  Could that day get any worse?!  I had no help cleaning up the mess. Don't get me wrong, it is my dog and it is unfair for me to expect anyone else to help.  But I did think that it would be common human decency to do so.  I was a little upset that I was on my own in the cleaning while the other merely sat outside and did nothing.

Yesterday, I learned the hard way that the words of others are excusable while mine are not.  I got in trouble for making a comment.  Let's not worry about all of the comments that the other has made.  It only mattered that I had said something.  I was told by our district manager that I seem to "live in drama" and that I am "always looking to start a fight" and that my mouth is gonna get me let go.  I sat there getting more and more angry as he spoke.  I said one thing.  One sentence.  "Because we are so incompetent." Those 5 words were apparently the greatest fault on the planet.  I decided to say nothing to this man as he spoke down to me.  I simply pulled the store key out of my pocket, set it down on the table and walked away.  I quit my job yesterday.

I have probably put myself into a terrible financial situation.  I know that.  And I am doing everything in my power right now to remedy this issue.  But I could not sit there and be spoken to as though I am nothing.  I could not let this man treat me as though I am not his equal.  I could not be ok with the action of boy being excusable while mine were so detrimental.  I had to stand up for myself and walk away from a situation that I saw unfair and unequal.  

I have done all of this and I have made it through these days without a drink.  I am jobless.  I am scared.  I am tired.  I am annoyed. But most importantly, I am 28 days sober.

It all starts somewhere

I went and saw a psychiatrist this morning.  I want to do more than just "quit drinking." I want to know why I drink.  For me, it's not just about breaking a habit that is important.  I think that if I can get to the root of the problem, then I can prevent future problems.

Long story short, I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD. I already knew that the depression was there, but the ptsd was new to me.  They are sending me to a different office that deals with both mental disorders AND substance abuse.  I have an appointment with them on October 10th.  So for now, she just wrote me a prescription for my current medications so that I can refill and get through the next month.

It was a tough 3 hours with some even tougher questions, but I feel like I took a tiny step towards getting better.  So, I'm still trying to keep a positive attitude about it.

"Treatment" Begins

So tonight brought my first Intensive Outpatient Treatment. It was a unique experience.  I was the only one there by my own will.  Everyone else was court mandated.  The topic was about family.  I understand what he was trying to do.  He wants us to understand what the family members of an addict are going through.  The the guy leading the group definitely got his point across.  There were quite a few things that were enlightening to me. He talked about how they can build up resentment towards the addict.  That made sense.  It's their money that is being used to help us, as addicts, get treatment.  That is their hard-earned money that they probably had other plans for.  I can understand if resentment is built. He talked about a lack of trust.  Also, understandable.  Why should they trust us? We are the ones that let the down to begin with.  We are the ones who put ourselves into this position and then asked for their help. They talked about unrealistic expectations. Someone who isn't an addict often expects us to "just say no" or to just walk away.  It isn't that easy for us though and it is now our place to understand that they are not, or have not been in, our position.  We need to help explain to them the difficulties that we face.  There must be communication.

I think, for me, the only difficult part about the whole meeting was that the other people there didn't seem to be there for the same reasons as me.  The topic of family kept getting changed to the court system.  "This is what they did to me."  "How do they expect me to get better when they do this?" Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to seem like I am judging those that were there.  Some of them may be there for the right reasons and it was clouded by those who spoke constantly of our court system.  I am not speaking about everyone that is there. And I do not want to seem like I am making false accusations.  It's merely y observation of how it felt for me.  It was a bit overbearing at moments.

Maybe tomorrows meeting will be better.  I also have my first appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow morning.  That's at 7:45 am. I am really hoping that I can do more than just quit drinking.  I want to be able to get to the root of the problem.  Why am I an alcoholic? If I can somehow figure that out, them maybe it will help me from drinking again.

I am hopeful.