Sleeps and things

Ok.  So I took a little break for a second there.  Sorry about that.  But, for the record, things are going pretty ok.

I still have not found a job yet.  So that is weighing heavy on my mind.  I have applied at SOOOOO many places!  I don't know if people just aren't hiring or if they just aren't hiring me.  I had 2 interviews last week and I have one next week...It is stressful, though.  I really need to get some kind of income coming in.  I'm staying hopeful.  I'm trying to stay positive.  I'm just trying.

As far as not drinking, that has actually been pretty easy.  I haven't had any urges or strong desires to drink.  I think that's a good thing, but at the same time, I'm concerned that not drinking has been too easy.  So I'm kind of waiting for it to hit me.  Is this a calm before the storm type deal or is it really just this way?  I have missed a few AA meetings, but I've been doing really good with my group therapy.  I even feel like I have made a new friend through group.  He seems like a genuine person and so I'm hoping that we can carry on a friendship even after we are both done with group.  Time will tell.

My little sister and her boyfriend are moving in with me.  I'm actually kind of concerned about that.  I think that it will be good for her, but I worry about how my emotions will handle having the extra people here.  I have gotten so used to being alone.  Yet, that being said, I have kind of become a recluse.  I don't really talk to anyone anymore and I don't like leaving the house.  So maybe having them here will help me become social again. 

I have an appointment with the psychiatrist on the 1st.  I haven't been sleeping much and I lack motivation to do anything.  I am hoping that we can figure out why these 2 things are happening.  Maybe the lack of motivation is due to the lack of sleep.  But I don't know why I am so unable to sleep.  The pharmacist said that it shouldn't be because of my medicines, so I don't know what is going on.

Other than that, I think things are ok.  I mean...I fell down the stairs and hurt my ankle, but it's ok, really.  So yea.  lol.  I'll try to get back into regularly posting these blogs.  I know that for some of you, it is the only real updates that you can get since I don't really get out much anymore. 

So, happy Sunday!

What a disaster

Last night in our group therapy, we were asked to go around the room and describe how we feel.  Our counselor wrote on the board:

Emotionally

Spiritually

Physically

Mentally

Kool-Aid (What's your favorite flavor)

It was interesting to listen to the others. A lot of what they were feeling, I feel too.  It really does help to know that I am not alone in my journey or in my feelings.  Then it got to me. 

Emotionally - Annoyed

Spiritually - Disconnected

Physically - Everything Hurts

Mentally - A wreck

Kool-Aid - Black Cherry mixed with Pink Lemonade

He asked if I wanted to talk about any of it.  And I did.  I gave some brief issues.  It has just felt like everything is crashing down around me right now.  I'm holding my own, and I am somehow managing to not lose my mind.  But at the same time, I feel like I'm approaching that breaking point.

Monday, we had a manager meeting that was so bad, I don't even know where to begin.  Long story short, I lost a lot of respect for the district manager and quickly realized that the men will stick together regardless of whether or not they are correct in their actions or words.  I left that meeting very angry.  I wanted a drink.  That was the first moment that I genuinely wanted to just say "fuck it" and get shitty.  I got home and learned that the registration on my car has been suspended.  Again, all I wanted was a drink.  I got in the shower and decided that I would leave early for AA.  I got there about an hour and a half early.  I just sat in the parking lot and waited for the doors to be unlocked.  I didn't go have a drink.  I left there feeling so much better than I did.  Then my roommate called to inform me that my dog had gotten out of her crate.  She had destroyed the apartment.  Could that day get any worse?!  I had no help cleaning up the mess. Don't get me wrong, it is my dog and it is unfair for me to expect anyone else to help.  But I did think that it would be common human decency to do so.  I was a little upset that I was on my own in the cleaning while the other merely sat outside and did nothing.

Yesterday, I learned the hard way that the words of others are excusable while mine are not.  I got in trouble for making a comment.  Let's not worry about all of the comments that the other has made.  It only mattered that I had said something.  I was told by our district manager that I seem to "live in drama" and that I am "always looking to start a fight" and that my mouth is gonna get me let go.  I sat there getting more and more angry as he spoke.  I said one thing.  One sentence.  "Because we are so incompetent." Those 5 words were apparently the greatest fault on the planet.  I decided to say nothing to this man as he spoke down to me.  I simply pulled the store key out of my pocket, set it down on the table and walked away.  I quit my job yesterday.

I have probably put myself into a terrible financial situation.  I know that.  And I am doing everything in my power right now to remedy this issue.  But I could not sit there and be spoken to as though I am nothing.  I could not let this man treat me as though I am not his equal.  I could not be ok with the action of boy being excusable while mine were so detrimental.  I had to stand up for myself and walk away from a situation that I saw unfair and unequal.  

I have done all of this and I have made it through these days without a drink.  I am jobless.  I am scared.  I am tired.  I am annoyed. But most importantly, I am 28 days sober.

Urge destroyed!

I am straight up calling today a massive win!

I started by going and purchasing The Big Book. I haven't had a chance to open it up yet, but that reading will def start tomorrow! I went by work and dropped off some goodies for a couple fellow employees.  I went and got my bows waxed (cause they were seriously in need of some love). Then I came home and actually had some motivation for the first time in a long time.  I got some laundry done, and did a little cleaning.  Most importantly:  I took the last beer out of my mini fridge and unplugged the fridge. (Side note: did not drink the beer!) It was only used for booze and I don't need it anymore!  I'm sure that I will eventually plug it back in and use it for sodas or waters, but right now it just felt good to not need it.  Second most importantly:  I took away the things in my room from the past year that I don't want or need anymore.  I threw a lot of things away.  Not things that relate to alcohol.  But things that represented the last year of my life.  And not in a good way. Pictures and posters.  To the trash they went.  It felt like I was taking a part of my self, a negative part, and I was getting rid of it.  I don't know how to explain it.  It just feels great to let go of things.

Then I went to pool league.  I didn't win my match, but I had a blast!  I do need to get used to shooting sober.  That is still new for me. but I'll get there.  And let's face it...I was pretty decent when I was drinking like a fish...just wait until I get this sobriety thing down.  I just might turn into a force to be reckoned with. I even left the pool hall and stopped by a local bar.  I told the bartender and the server (with a little help from a friend) that I do not drink and I am not to be served alcohol under any circumstances, ever.  I shot some pool with 2 amazing people. I did, at one point, want a drink.  But instead, I had the bartender make me a juice cocktail as a shot. No alcohol included. It got me over my urge and, again, I had a blast! And it felt so good to drive home and not have to worry about getting pulled over.  I didn't have to worry about which road to take.  I actually remembered the drive. It's the little things that just feel amazing.  I'm taking a catering for work in the morning and I can lay here with a smile and know that I am not going to wake up with a hangover in the morning.

But I have to admit, I could not be succeeding the way that I am if it weren't for the amazing people that I have in my life.  And you all know who you are.  I am so grateful!

Day 13 = success.  Day 14 will be too.  I know it.