Yea, I don't know. Here I am.

Wow.  I don't even know where to start at this point.  It has been years, huh?  It is insane to think about how many things have happened since July of 2018...while also thinking about how many things haven't happened.  Are blogs even still a thing?  I feel like most people just vlog through youtube, twitch tiktok or some other form of social media out there.  I don't feel like people sit down with a computer and just type their emotions anymore.  Writing or typing my feelings always seemed to work for me.  It gave me perspective.  Especially when I look back and read my old posts.  It is crazy for me to be able to look back and read exactly how I was feeling in that moment...and then compare it to where I am now.  I feel like I could write an entire book about the things that have not been documented over the last 3 years.  Then again...I've tried writing a book before and we all know how that worked out, right?  It didn't.  lol.

So let's see...I could go back through my last few blogs and try to update on specific things, or I can just start over and figure out where I am now.  I'll take the latter.

I am now 35 years old.  I have been clean and sober for over 4 years.  I would be lying if I said it has been easy.  It absolutely isn't easy.  I struggle when I am sad.  I struggle when I am stressed out.  I struggle when I am angry.  But mostly, I struggle when I am surrounded by others drinking.  And it's weird, because that is the part that used to be the easiest.  I drink non-alcoholic Heinekens and I take fake shots of cranberry juice, sprite and redbull.  And these things help me feel like I am a part of any group that I am with.  But really, I'm not.  They drink their tequila or jager and I cheers a shot cup full of juice.  Hell, I don't even cheers that all the time, because sometimes they don't include me.  And most of the time, it's fine.  Really.  But sometimes I am just tired of being the sober one.  I'm tired of going to the bar and watching everyone get drunk.  I'm tired of going to the same place and watching the same shit.  It is all so redundant.  As an example:  Today is Tuesday.  Everyone will go shoot pool until around midnight and then go to the local bar.  They'll either sit at the top bar and talk about their day at work...or they'll go shoot pool at the bottom bar.  Tomorrow is Wednesday.  Everyone will go shoot pool until around midnight and then go for karaoke at the local bar.  Same bar.  Same routine.  Guess what everyone will do on Thursday!  You got it!  Same bar.  Same routine.  I'm bored.  I don't want to go to the same bar every night and watch the same people drink the same shit and bitch about the same chick that they work with.  Just typing out this paragraph makes me want a drink.  See the issue?  It's the complete lack of growth.  I want more.  I want to do more.  I don't want to stay stuck in this same place, same bar, same routine.  I'm sure that everything will balance out eventually, but right now, I'm just bored!

I uninstalled almost all of my social media apps yesterday.  No more Facebook, Instagram or Twitter on my phone.  I have come to realize that I am comparing my own happiness to that of those on the internet.  Yesterday was frustrating.  I logged on to my Facebook and began scrolling through my news feed.  All I saw was people getting engaged, married, pregnant or having babies.  I'm 35 and I have none of these.  I immediately got jealous.  Now don't get me wrong.  I am in a relationship with a wonderful man.  I would quite literally do anything for him.  He is absolutely incredible.  We have been together for 2 years and I wouldn't trade him for the world.  But in my brain...I'm 35 and he's 41.  I feel like I am just watching my chances of motherhood dissipate every month.  Part of me wonders if him and I are just somehow at different points in our lives.  I am on a mission to save up and get my finances in order so that I can buy a house in 2022.  I don't want to continue to live in apartments.  I don't want to have roommates.  I want to own a house with a yard and a mortgage.  But I don't really know what he wants.  He says he wants kids one day.  He says he wants to get married one day.  But when?  He plays pool 3 nights a week and shoots in as many tournaments as his schedule will allow.  He goes to the bar almost every night.  I can't help but wonder if he wants the same things that I want.  Time will tell, I guess.  That's just what is on my mind.

Well, I guess that's where I am right now.  I started this blog with no plan whatsoever.  And here is where I have landed.  Maybe I'll try to do this more often?  Or at least more frequently than 3 years apart.

Alright that's all.

Peace, Love and Coffee.

Kris

Look who's back.

February.  That was my last post, huh?  So much has happened that I'm not even sure where to start.  I guess I can start by saying that I'm still sober.  So despite my absence, I was not falling off of or jumping off of the wagon.  Just hit my 10 month sober mark about a week and a half ago.  So I do that have going for me.

Unfortunately, I feel like that's about the only thing that I've got going for me right now.  Life has kind of been a disaster.  I guess The Brittney and Dylan update first...Long story made short:  Things got out of control.  We all went our separate ways and after a painful, but quick lawsuit, they now owe me a little over $2300.  So there's that.  

I moved in with my parents at the beginning of March.  It seemed to go well for a bit.  I started working really hard to get my finances in order and I seemed to be making pretty good progress.  I got hired on full time at Design Productions in April.  This job has it's ups and it's downs.  Sometimes I hate it.  Sometimes I love it.  It pays the bills and I get to work with my best friends.  So that's good.  

Now, for the depressing stuff...

My dad got sick in the beginning of May.  It was bad.  On May 13th, My mother, Stacey and I sat in the hospital room and said goodbye to my daddy...to my hero.  That moment.  That one moment...I fear that it will stay with me forever.  Don't get me wrong, I am glad that I could be there with my dad and my family during the hardest moment of our lives.  But that moment...I don't know how to explain it.  The sounds, the movements, the pain, the denial, the reality...it's all like a movie on replay.  I don't know how to pause it, or stop it or anything.  It sticks.  That's also the moment that life changed for me.  All of it.  I thought that my dad was indestructible.  Like a superhero.  And in that moment...I realized that he was human.  And that hurt.  All I wanted to do was run.  Far.  I made it out the first set of doors and halfway down the hallway before I had to stop by the bathroom.  The nurse found me and took me back to Mom and Stacey.  All I wanted to do was leave.  Sometimes, I still want to leave.  Getting by without my Daddy has been so hard.  I still live in his house.  I still see him everywhere.  I still think about him every day.  I've noticed that my dreams have changed.  About my future.  I have considered myself to not be the marrying type for a while.  Now, it's almost become official.  How could I ever get married without my dad giving me away?  How do I walk down the aisle without my dads hand in mine?  These are the things that come to mind now.  

Yet, on that note...I don't even know if I could have a relationship anytime soon, anyways.  I mean, sure...there are interests...there are even feelings...but let's be real.  I'm not good at feelings.  I'm not good at being vulnerable and unguarded.  So, I'm currently debating just saying fuck it.  I don't know. 

I guess I'm just still trying to get my life together.  I'm 32 years old and I carry more doubts and concerns that I do happiness and contentment.  Stress has become a part of my personality.  I want a drink frequently. I want a Xanax frequently.  I'm just trying to ignore the desires and create new habits.  Create new adventures.  One day at a time, right?

So for now, I'm just focusing on getting to 11 months.  And then 1 year.  I'm so close I can taste it.  

I guess that's it.  I guess that's all.  My life feels like it's falling apart.  The universe seems to be keeping me apart from the one thing that I want, and in the interim, I'm just pushing.  I'll make it...I'm sure of it.  But it is definitely a struggle.

6 Months, Ya'll!!!

It has been so long, I know.  That's because things have just been so chaotic.

I'm not even sure where to start.  These last 2 moths have brought so much stress and uncertainty. 

To begin on a positive note, my great niece was born on January 4th.  She is absolutely perfect.  I honestly do not believe that there is a more precious baby on this earth right now.  Grace Michelle.  The first few weeks were a bit of a struggle. Brittney didn't seem emotionally connected to Grace and Dylan just seemed ignorant to the ways of fatherhood, which I would imagine most new dads are.  Brittney seems to be slowly falling into the role of motherhood, but I remain concerned about Dylan.

Finances have been quite a stress.  They have been unable to keep up with their portion of the bills and so I have had to support them, with the exception of the small amount that I received from them in January.  But wow, I have become impressed with myself and my ability to maintain the finances.

It has gotten really bad in the household as of late.  I don't want to go into detail because it is quite a personal matter, but I will say that I have, unfortunately, become quite fearful for my safety in my own home.  And that is quite devastating.  Meanwhile, I have been served an eviction notice due to the drama that has recently come to be a part of my life. So I am currently getting things in place for my future.

As for the drinking...I am proud to say that I have officially made it 6 months sober.  There have been temptations, but I have overcome.  I did, however, find myself in the kitchen yesterday pouring out the alcohol in the kitchen.  I was concerned that since my stress levels have gotten so high, that I might not be able to overcome in the upcoming days.  So I nipped it before it became an issue.

So I guess that is all that I have for now. I simply ask for prayers during this time of my life.  Prayers for both my safety and for my strength.

Sober-versary

So today marks 4 months sober for me.  And I've got to admit that I didn't think I'd make it this far.  I am proud of myself, but still fearful of failure.

I have been under a lot of stress lately.  Between work and home, I feel like I can't seem to just get a break.  I do, however, feel like I have been handling it very well.  I haven't turned to alcohol and I feel like I've maintained control over my emotions fairly well.  I've opted to stay to myself as much as possible.  There are a couple of people that I have kept close, but for the most part, I feel like I have become quite distant from everyone.  And yet, I still feel like I can't seem to catch a few minutes alone.  I know that it's all because of the stress, so I'm just trying to deal with it.

I feel like I have taken a few steps backwards, honestly.  For a little bit there, I was motivated and positive and even happy.  Now, I don't know what has happened.  I have lost my motivation and I am not really thinking very positively.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm happy...I am...I just don't feel like myself.  I don't know what's going on. I just kind of feel blah.  Not sad, not happy, not mad...just kind of blank.  It's weird.

So yea...there is is...Merry Christmas?

Time for a vent session.

This fucking sucks.  I'm just gonna be super real for a second because I am sick and tired of saying that I'm fine.  I want a damn drink!

There have been some pretty rough days lately.  I don't know why it is so much more difficult recently than it has been, but damn.  I am either not getting invited to events with my friends, or I am surrounded by people getting shit-faced.  I feel like I started with this amazing support system around me and it has just all teetered off.  I don't know what happened.  Maybe it's me.  Sure, I've become a bit less social.  Mainly because I really don't want to go hang out at the bar and watch everyone get drunk.  That shit gets old, bruh.  I can't expect anyone to slow up because of me though.  I'm the one with the problem.  Not everyone else.  So I can't get mad at them for having a good time.

Then I have days like today when I go see the shrink.  They can't directly treat me the way that they want because my blood pressure is too low.  So since she can't treat me for the ptsd, then they are just gonna change my meds again.  So I'll be taking something in the morning, (I can't remember what it's called), and my anxiety meds 3 times a day and then another something at night AND my sleep medicine.  I' convinced that they are just trying to get me fucked up enough to kill the brain waves that make me think about shit.  Although she said, multiple times, that she really wants me to get into therapy.  I told her that I let things go and she said "Did you?  Did you let it go?"  No, bitch...clearly not!  Damnit.

I mean, I get it.  I drink so that I don't have to think.  I hate thinking.  I don't want to think.  So hey....since I don't want to think about it...lets go to therapy and TALK about it.  That makes perfect sense. 

Stupid doctors.

Sober Life Continues

Where to begin...

So I finally went back to the shrink today.  I was supposed to go on the first, but they changed it to today.  I got there at about 3:15 this afternoon and got home at about 6:30 tonight.  Long story short, they kept my anti-anxiety the same, increased my anti-anxiety medication and added some sleep medicine.  (The sleep medicine also doubles as anxiety medicine.)  I explained to them that I have had zero motivation to do anything lately...no desire to do anything, to go anywhere, or hell...just to get out of the bed.  So I am praying that all of these new medicine really work and get me back to normal.

Mentally-wise, I think I'm doing ok.  My head is so clear from the lack of alcohol, that I think a lot lately.  There has been so much thinking! It's actually a good thing because I feel like I may actually be able to work through some things that I need to work through, but at the same it's really weird to actually be thinking about all of the things that I've been trying to avoid for so long.  There are things that I have been through that I haven't ever really worked out in my head and I'm actually having to go back through those moments.  I'm almost reliving the stuff that happened.  The emotions an the memories of it all.  It's pretty intense, but I think that it will be a good thing in the long run.  Hopefully.  The shrink is going to help me get set up with some therapy.  Through that, I will really have to work through everything.  That should be interesting.  I'm actually nervous to have to really talk about some of this stuff with someone.  I don't usually talk about these things ever...with anyone.  So I don't know how this will go.  But, I'm a little excited to get through it.  Maybe get it over with for good.  We'll see.

I'm working now.  It's just part time, but it is at least an income.  So I'm also pretty excited about that.  I've only worked 2 days so far, but I really enjoyed it and the guys that I work with are pretty awesome.  They have a full-time position available and I am hoping to get that.  I would really love to get hired on full time with this company.  And it isn't a bar!  Thank God!

I am 75 days sober now.  I haven't been to AA in a while...(no motivation)...so I haven't gone and picked up my 2 month chip yet, but I'm going to hopefully go on Friday.  I'm still going to group on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights.  It's going pretty well.  Last Thursday, we watched a movie and paused to discuss parts of it.  It was 28 Days Later with Sandra Bullock.  I have seen this movie in the past, but watching it this time was different.  It definitely hit close to home this time.  There were quite a few parts that were really difficult to watch.  I really got in my feelings that night.  Other than that, we've had some pretty good discussions.  We've had some really frustrating ones as well.  That's life, though, I guess.  I've met some really cool people in group and I'm sure that I will remain in touch with some of them when it is all said and done.  Tomorrow, I will go and test.  It should be my 5th and final clean drug screen.  Then I can start working towards this thing that they call after-care.  I don't really know what all is involved with after-care, but we'll see.  I'm kind of thinking about skipping it.  I do feel like I have come a long way in 75 days, so I don't really want to continue going, but that will be up to my counselor.  He will, ultimately, be the one who decided if I need continued care or not.  

So I guess that's my update.  Crazy and intense emotions.  Medicines.  Work.  You know...all of the things in life that make a person feel crazy.

Sleeps and things

Ok.  So I took a little break for a second there.  Sorry about that.  But, for the record, things are going pretty ok.

I still have not found a job yet.  So that is weighing heavy on my mind.  I have applied at SOOOOO many places!  I don't know if people just aren't hiring or if they just aren't hiring me.  I had 2 interviews last week and I have one next week...It is stressful, though.  I really need to get some kind of income coming in.  I'm staying hopeful.  I'm trying to stay positive.  I'm just trying.

As far as not drinking, that has actually been pretty easy.  I haven't had any urges or strong desires to drink.  I think that's a good thing, but at the same time, I'm concerned that not drinking has been too easy.  So I'm kind of waiting for it to hit me.  Is this a calm before the storm type deal or is it really just this way?  I have missed a few AA meetings, but I've been doing really good with my group therapy.  I even feel like I have made a new friend through group.  He seems like a genuine person and so I'm hoping that we can carry on a friendship even after we are both done with group.  Time will tell.

My little sister and her boyfriend are moving in with me.  I'm actually kind of concerned about that.  I think that it will be good for her, but I worry about how my emotions will handle having the extra people here.  I have gotten so used to being alone.  Yet, that being said, I have kind of become a recluse.  I don't really talk to anyone anymore and I don't like leaving the house.  So maybe having them here will help me become social again. 

I have an appointment with the psychiatrist on the 1st.  I haven't been sleeping much and I lack motivation to do anything.  I am hoping that we can figure out why these 2 things are happening.  Maybe the lack of motivation is due to the lack of sleep.  But I don't know why I am so unable to sleep.  The pharmacist said that it shouldn't be because of my medicines, so I don't know what is going on.

Other than that, I think things are ok.  I mean...I fell down the stairs and hurt my ankle, but it's ok, really.  So yea.  lol.  I'll try to get back into regularly posting these blogs.  I know that for some of you, it is the only real updates that you can get since I don't really get out much anymore. 

So, happy Sunday!